Four weeks ago, the Mercury committed itself to a scientific project of epic proportions: to document the sexual practices of an entire city. An impossible task? Not for the perpetually horny employees of the Mercury! That's why we published our first annual Sex Survey, in which we bluntly asked the citizens of Portland how they "do it," when they "do it," and who they "do it to" when they "do it!"

Now, there may be a cynical few that accuse us of simply pandering to the baser instincts of our readership in a lame attempt to boost our magazine's circulation. Well... this is true. However! There are other reasons as well. We're also polling the city to a) find out if we masturbate too much; b) see if we're the only ones who fantasize about hot studs of the Red Army; and c) improve the sex lives of the Mercury staff and readership by inspiring each other to pull the sticks out of our asses, and replace them with dildos... or maybe a vegetable of some sort. In other words, spring's a comin' and it's time for all of us to loosen up and get it on! As a wise aunt once said, "Honey, life's a buffet and most suckers are starving to death." Well, Portland--the sexual fasting ends HERE. We're ringing the dinner bell. So c'mon! Belly up to the buffet!


Almost 700 respondents filled out our sexy survey, and of those horndogs, 43% were women and 56% were men. (BTW, all percentages have been rounded off, and if some don't add up to 100%, don't have a marijuana freakout. That just means some people didn't answer or answered more than one aspect of the question.) Here's a handy breakdown of what kind of pervert you are!

Straight gals = 25%
Straight guys = 41%
Lesbians = 4%
Gay guys = 7%
Bisexual gals = 13%
Bisexual guys = 8%
Your average age = 27


Apparently, people who follow politics have sex too, and here's how you stack up: 35% of you are Democrats, 5% are Republicans, 13% are Nader Traitors... oops, I mean "Members of the Green Party," 5% are Libertarians, less than 1% admitted to being a "Tory," and 4% of you claim no political affiliation.

Even more shocking: Religious people have sex. 18% are Christian, 3% are Jewish, 4% are Buddhist, 0% are Muslim, 9% are atheist (and so will suffer the eternal fires of damnation), 30% are agnostic (ditto), and 14% of you don't give a doo-doo about religion, as it probably interferes with your varied sexual antics.


Yes, I am single and miserable! = 20%
Lucky me, I am single and content! = 27%
I'm (awwww!) goin' steady. = 24%
Lucky me, I'm partnered/married and content! = 20%
Boo-hoo, I'm partnered/married and MISERABLE! = 6%

Okay! Now that we know the type of person you are, let's find out more about how you've made whoopee in the past.

Contrary to what their parents think, the average Mercury reader lost their virginity when they were 17 years old. Ok, fair enough. But how did they feel about it when it happened? Let's find out!

22% of you thought it was "Fucking Rad!" 31% considered it a "relief," and 34% were less impressed, deeming it "just fine." On the downside, 18% of you consider the experience "a blur," 29% thought it was a total "let-down," a mere 5% say that poppin' their cherry was "a nightmare I wouldn't wish on Hitler," and guess what? 1% of you wouldn't even know 'cause you're still a VIRGIN! Haw! Haw! Virgin! Virgin! VIRGIN!!

Even more specifically, do you wish you had waited till you were older? 16% sheepishly replied, "yes." Do some of you wish it had been sooner? 29% responded, "Hell, YEAH!" Meanwhile, 37% wish it had been with someone else, 9% wish they had taken off their shoes, and a staggering 6% wonder if their first time would have been better if they had just turned off Aerosmith. Fools.

Now, here comes the really interesting part....


And by "sex" the Mercury has chosen to include oral sex, anal intercourse, vaginal intercourse, and even good ol' handjobs. Don't like it? Tough titty. It's our survey. Remember, this is an average number of partners (your results may vary)!

Straight gals = 29
Straight guys = 24
Lesbians = 25
Gay guys = (brace yourself) 127
Bisexual gals = 21
Bisexual guys = 26
Overall Average = 31 partners

Naturally, a comment needs to be made here. We're really not shocked that gay men average 127 partners. After all, boys will be boys. But don't forget, gays: Your promiscuous lifestyle is screwing up the curve for everybody else. Ease off the gas a bit, okay?

But even more importantly, what's up with the bi women? What's the point of being bisexual if your numbers are going to be so low? Follow the example of your straight sisters, and get on the stick!

Apparently, Portlanders have a tough time holding down jobs, because all they can think about is SEX! Here's how many sexual thoughts cross your dirty mind per DAY.

Straight gals = 193
Straight guys = 962
Lesbian = 10
Gay guys = 33
Bisexual gals = 133
Bisexual guys = 4393 (!!)

Again, a word to the bi gals and guys: enough "thinking" and more "doing!"

It's a fact: People sure do love to masturbate. But how much masturbation is too much masturbation? Find out by comparing your masturbation habits to our respondents!

Unsurprisingly, men like to spank the monkey the most, as straight and bisexual men diddle their fiddle seven times per week on average, while your normal gay still finds time in his busy schedule to choke the chicken six times per week. Meanwhile, both straight and bi gals are polishing the pearl four times a week, as opposed to our lesbian pals who are banging the box a whopping six times weekly! Those girls be gettin' biz-ay!

Ever feel like you're not gettin' enough booty? ME, TOO!! However, let's all calm down, because the city-wide average is only two sexual encounters per week (and that includes the gays!). Sleep well, my friends.


Nowadays, when you think of sexual toys, the computer ranks right up there with the Hitachi Magic Wand. Here's some of the ways you are utilizing technology.

52% of us cruise internet chatrooms.
28% have misrepresented ourselves in a chatroom.
15% have hooked up with someone we met in a chatroom.
51% have downloaded porn (15% of these were women).
32% have typed with one hand while diddling with the other (23% of these were men).

Forgive us, father, for we have sinned. Here are the shenanigans we engaged in during the year 2000!

29% of us cheated on our significant other, while only 13% cheated on us (Whew! Got away with it!). Meanwhile, 8% of us paid for sex, yet only 4% were paid for sex! So where's my stinking money??

As far as lubrication goes, 72% of us mixed booze with sex, 51% mixed drugs and sex, and 49% said "the hell with it," and mixed booze, drugs and sex.

Did you have sex with your ex this past year? Wow, so did 33% of our readers! Did you have sex with your friend's ex this past year? Weird, the same thing happened to 12% of our respondents. So, did you have sex with a friend's current? Well, join the 10% club, you low-down dirty dog!

Maybe Portlanders are lucky, or maybe they're just being quiet....

"In the year 2000, I..."

Was raped = 1%
Raped someone = 0%
Was slipped a roofie = 1%
Slipped a roofie = 1%
Was stalked = 12%
Stalked someone = 14%
Had sex I regretted afterward = 28%
Had sex I regretted during = 27%
Got HIV = 0 %
Gave HIV = 1%

Who is kinkier, the female or male of the species? Well, let's find out in the 1st annual Girl vs. Boy Kink-Off! Ladies and gentlemen... start your vibrators!

"In the year 2000, I..."

Purchased a sex toy 
19% GUYS 18%
Purchased a plug-in sex toy
4% GUYS 4%
Had a three-way
8% GUYS 10%
Had a four-way
4% GUYS 4%
Had a more-way
1% GUYS 3%
Tied someone up
11% GUYS 10%
Had someone tie me up
12% GUYS 8%
Peed on someone
2% GUYS 3%
Had someone pee on me
3% GUYS 2%
Pooped on someone
1% GUYS 0%
Had someone poop on me
0% GUYS 0%
Wore a leather hood
1% GUYS 2%
Engaged in blood sport
1% GUYS 1%
Electro-genital torture
1% GUYS 1%
Visited sex club/bathhouse
1% GUYS 5%
Had sex in public park
8% GUYS 10%
Had sex in moving car
5% GUYS 7%
Had sex on the MAX
0% GUYS 0%

FINAL TALLY: Gals = 82% Guys = 88%

It's settled, then. Guys are kinkier... for now.

Let me tell you one thing: Portland has got one wicked nasty imagination. Check out just a sampling of the varied answers we received to the question, "What's your hottest fantasy?"

Screwing my stepsister • Dressing as a schoolgirl and whipping my partner • Threatening my ex with a handgun • Having a three-way with strangers • A consensual gang rape • Having pictures taken of me using a vibrator and wearing a schoolgirl uniform • Hot wax poured on me during orgasm • Getting fucked by a hardcore dyke with a strap-on • Breaking my husband out of prison and having any kind of sex • Sex with a giantess • Hot studs of the Red Army • Sex with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend • Hot bike messenger • Fucking a girl while she smokes a cigarette • Wm. Steven Humphrey [Hey! Thanks, sis! ... jeez, I was just joking!--Wm.] • Sex with my twin brother (if I had one) or with a hot young priest in a confessional booth • Dropping 20 lbs. and having my brains fucked out • Hot Jewish chicks • Being fucked while tied to a wrought iron gate around the Mary statue at my local Catholic church • Horsies

It was a pretty bad year for those stubborn STDs, 'cause almost all of our respondents checked out clean as a whistle. Waitasecond... you did get checked for STDs last year... didn't you?

I Got 'Em!
Crabs = 2%
Herpes = 1%
Chlamydia = 1%
Genital Warts = 1%
Gonorrhea = 0%
Syphilis = 0%

I Gave 'Em!
Crabs = 1%
Herpes = 2%
Chlamydia = 0%
Genital Warts = 1%
Gonorrhea = 0%
Syphilis = 0%

Choosing appropriate birth control is almost as difficult as deciding on a brand of cereal. Let's ask the people of Portland what they use.

Condoms = 53%
The Pill = 25%
Sponge = 1%
IUD = 1%
Butt sex = 9%
Celibacy = 8%
Homosexuality = 12%
RU-486 = 1%

Yep, nothin' gets mah spurs jangling, like engaging in sexual congress with somebody or somethin' that's reeeeal out-of-the-ordinary like. Let's see who or what you did it to last year.

Many of you (12%) had sex with a minor, while still others devoted time to a blow-up doll (2%) or got it on with the help of Viagra (4%). Eww, eww, and ewwwww. (Whoops! Sorry, I know I'm supposed to non-judgmental. But you gotta admit those are pretty ewww.)

Still others got their groove underway with a visiting repair man/woman (2%), a delivery person (1%), or--always a popular choice for the lazy--someone from work (20%)!

Having sex with the differently-abled floats (3%) of our respondent's boats, while an impressive number of Portlanders (24%) are doing their bit for unity by jumping the bones of someone from a different race!

Plus there are always the ones who have sex with fruit (6%), a vegetable (10%) or a legume (1%)--but who cares about them? Boooooring!

It's true--almost everybody does love a rim job! Whether giving or receiving, a "rim job" (or "tossing the salad" if you prefer) is the haute couture of modern sexuality! And here's the proof!

"In the year 2000, I..."
Gave a rim job = 26%
Got a rim job = 27%
Refused to give a requested rim job = 4%
Was refused a requested rim job = 4%

See? What did I tell you? That's why our slogan here at the Mercury is "Need a rim job? Take a rim job. Got a rim job? Leave a rim job." So what are you waiting for? Give a friend or loved one a rim job... TODAY!

Here are your votes for the sexiest people in Portland!

Portland's Sexiest Bartender: Nate at Lucky's!
Portland's Sexiest Female Bartender: Kaitlyn ni Donovan at Bar of the Gods!
Portland's Sexiest Waiter: Matthew at Café Lena!
Portland's Sexiest Waitress: The girl at Junior's!
Portland's Sexiest Newscaster: Rob Marciano at KATU!
Portland's Sexiest Female Newscaster: Daria O'Neill at the WB and NRK!
Portland's Sexiest Male Politician: Erik Sten!
Portland's Sexiest Female Politician: Vera Katz!
Portland's Sexiest Stripper: A tie between Destiny at Sassy's and the boys at Three Sisters!
Portland's Sexiest Barista: Duane at Stumptown Roasters!
Portland's Sexiest Retail Clerk: A tie between Chloe Eudaly of Reading Frenzy and Mary K at Hot Topic!
Portland's Sexiest Bus Driver: That one on the #12 this morning!
Portland's Sexiest High School Teacher: Ms. Stephanie D'Cruz at Grant High!
Portland's Sexiest High School Student: The junior class at Lincoln High!

Portland weighs in with their choices of the celebrities they'd rather have sex with!

Britney Spears (43%) defeats Christina Aguilera (35%)!
'N Sync (31%) sinks the Backsteet Boys (25%)!
Ricky Martin (41%) makes menudo out of Marc Anthony (22%)!
Mickey Mouse (5%) slam dunks Donald Duck (3%)!

And finally, the extremely hot 'n' sexy Mercury staff (300,000%) once again outshines and gets five times more rim jobs than the dowdy, frumpy, dried-up librarians at Willamette Week (-2%). Boo-hoo-hoo! See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!