THURSDAY, JANUARY 29
8:00 HBO TRIALS OF TED HAGGARD
Don't miss this fascinating documentary about Reverend Ted Haggard—post-gay sex scandal.
9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
Season premiere! Chef Gordon Ramsay returns with another season of calling people "stupid fucking donkeys."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 30
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Baltar's sexy Six returns—but as an angel? That's somewhat less sexy.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 31
8:00 ABC ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY—Movie
(2004) Will Ferrell stars as the most hilarious sexist '70s-era news anchor ever!
8:00 ANI NATIONAL DOG SHOW
It's the one time of year where it's okay to reach between a dog's legs.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1
6:00 NBC SUPER BOWL XLIII
Okay, fine! It's the Cardinals vs. the Steelers. JEEZ.
10:30 NBC THE OFFICE
Two post-Super Bowl episodes guest starring Jack Black, Cloris Leachman, and Jessica Alba (whose titty will fall out, I hope).
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2
9:00 MTV BROMANCE
Season finale! Brody picks his new "bro" and asks, "Now can we rub our Snickers together?"
9:00 NBC HEROES
Hiro loses his superpowers, so... go back to your mom's basement, nerd!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3
9:30 ABC SCRUBS
Ted falls in love with a ukelele player. That is so very sad.
10:00 MTV A DOUBLE SHOT AT LOVE
Season finale! The Ikki Twins pick the people with whom they'll be sharing their crabs.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Welcome to the Hollywood round—which is convenient because the losers can go straight into prostitution.
9:00 ABC LOST
The castaways continue to jump back and forth in time, but pause in the '60s to do some sex and drugs.
