THURSDAY, JULY 30
9:00 FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
Two of the final six dancers are eliminated; panic ensues at the judges' table when they lose their supply of Thorazine.
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Michael's brilliant "paper and pancake" luncheon fails miserably—because these plans always do, right?
FRIDAY, JULY 31
9:00 FOX MENTAL
An injured construction worker can only recall a different accident—one that happened 100 years ago! Bum-Bum-BUUUUUMMM!
9:00 SYFY EUREKA
Longtime rivals from Area 51 challenge the citizens of Eureka to an alien vs. human bowling tournament. Bring... it... on, freaks!!!
SATURDAY, AUGUST 1
9:00 NBC FACE THE ACE
Debut! Poker amateurs take on the masters for a chance to win one million smackers.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 2
9:00 ABC DEFYING GRAVITY
Debut! The eight astronauts gear up for their long space flight by smuggling in boxes of condoms. (And space lube!)
9:00 VH1 MEGAN WANTS A MILLIONAIRE
Debut! A reality TV skank gets to pick from a pack of clearly insane and inexplicably desperate millionaires.
MONDAY, AUGUST 3
2:30 am COM KENNY VS. SPENNY
Tonight's challenge: "Who can piss off more people?" Can I jump in on this action?
9:00 TLC JON & KATE PLUS 8
"Kids, we're camping in the backyard tonight! Yay! Because Daddy is bringing home one of his whores."
TUESDAY, AUGUST 4
8:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
Tom Green and other F-list celebs are served cold oily sausages—which, believe me, is all they deserve.
10:00 FX RESCUE ME
A filthy, potty-mouthed gal shows up at the firehouse looking for a date, which for these guys is actually a step up.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5
8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
It's "fan favorite" night, where viewers get to relive their fave contestants re-splintering their spines.
10:00 TVLAND HOW'D YOU GET SO RICH
Debut! Joan Rivers meets kajillionaires who went from poor-paying jobs to stepping on people with poor-paying jobs.