THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

8:00 ABC FLASHFORWARD

Debut! Everybody on Earth mysteriously blacks out and wakes up with a vision of the future. Same thing happened to me, but I woke up and envisioned "alcoholism."

10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

The gang visits the Grand Canyon, which is stop number one on their "let's ruin the national monuments" tour.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

8:00 FOX BROTHERS

Debut! A new black sitcom that makes Tyler "Madea" Perry's stuff look hilarious. (Which it isn't, BTW.)

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

Season premiere! Echo has a sweet assignment: marrying a hot British businessman played by BSG's Jamie Bamber! EEEEEE!!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Season premiere! Hosted by Megan Fox and U2! (Sit down, Bono! Your ugly face is blocking my view of Megan!)

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS

Season premiere! Homer gets a role in a blockbuster movie where he plays a superhero! (Activate suspension of disbelief.)

9:00 SHO DEXTER

Season premiere! Dexter now has a wife and family—which kind of puts a damper on serial killing, doesn't it?

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28

8:00 BBCA TOP GEAR

A special "best of" episode featuring the greatest moments from this funny "car porn" show.

9:00 NBC TRAUMA

Debut! A supposedly realistic drama about paramedics. Who knew all paramedics were hot and had a ton of sex?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

8:00 ANI WEIRD, TRUE & FREAKY

Season premiere! If you enjoy looking at pets and animals with extra appendages and heads—have I got a show for you!

10:00 MTV THE HILLS

Season premiere! Laguna Beach alum Kristin Cavallari slips into Lauren's vacated spot. (Why didn't they give Ellen DeGeneres the job?)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

9:00 FOX GLEE

Will enlists help from old pal Kristin Chenoweth, but like me, the glee club is kind of freaked out by her.

9:00 TLC KING OF THE CROWN

Debut! An expert coaches gals on how to win beauty pageants, and anus-clenching hilarity ensues!