9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Jim and Pam return from their honeymoon to discover Michael has a new—and decidedly icky—lover.

10:00 MTV ULTIMATE PARKOUR CHALLENGE

Debut! Contestants hop around like jumping beans in a competition that was cool... like, what... in 2006?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

A flashback episode explaining how sexy Sierra was introduced to the Dollhouse.

10:00 USA WHITE COLLAR

Debut! A slick con man teams up with a straight-laced FBI agent to bust white-collar criminals and remind you of 1,000 shows you've seen before.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24

8:00 TRAV MOST TERRIFYING PLACES IN AMERICA

Includes haunted mansions, swamps, and my Uncle Jeff's windowless cargo van.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Betty and the kids take a trip, which means Don gets to bone the schoolmarm.

10:00 ANI WEREWOLVES: THE DARK SURVIVORS

A fake documentary that imagines if werewolves were real (and preferably hot, like they are in Twilight).

MONDAY, OCTOBER 26

9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL

Dan is alarmed (and aroused) by Olivia's on-screen sex scene.

11:30 NBC THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN

Special guest: Captain Chesley Sullenberger. What? Did he save another plane?

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27

8:00 ABC IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN

A series of grisly murders convince the Peanuts gang to leave Linus in the pumpkin patch all night as bait.

10:00 SPIKE 2009 SCREAM AWARDS

Celebrating horror, comics, and sci-fi. With Quentin Tarantino, Tobey Maguire, and other nerds of note.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28

4:30 FOX WORLD SERIES GAME ONE

For this they pre-empt Glee??

8:00 NBC MONSTERS VS. ALIENS: MUTANT PUMPKINS FROM OUTER SPACE

The M vs. A characters return to take on aliens posing as jack-o'-lanterns in order to take over the earth. DICKS!