THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31

10:00 ABC DICK CLARK'S PRIMETIME NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE WITH RYAN SEACREST 2010

You know what this show needs? A longer name.

10:00 NBC NBC'S NEW YEAR'S EVE WITH CARSON DALY 2009

See ABC? That's how you do it. Short and concise.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 1

4:30 ABC ROSE BOWL

The Oregon Ducks take on the Ohio State Buckeyes to see who has the most dur-tarded mascot.

11:00 VH1 FRIDAY NIGHT ALRIGHT

Debut! A live concert from Sydney featuring Pink—because this is no longer 2010, it's 2001.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 2

2:00 FOX COTTON BOWL

Yet another excuse for your husband to drink beer and eat Doritos on the couch. (Call me, ladies!)

10:00 BBCA DEMONS

Debut! Yet another vampire series, this one featuring the hunky teenage great-great-grandson of vamp hunter Van Helsing.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 3

10:00 VH1 SECRETS OF ASPEN

Debut! A new "docu-soap" about six single cougars in Aspen who are on the prowl! Rrrrrowrrr!

10:00 FOOD WORST COOKS IN AMERICA

Debut! Twelve of the country's worst "chefs" compete to see who's the least worst? Isn't this Hell's Kitchen?

MONDAY, JANUARY 4

8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR

Season premiere! Yet another slab of meat is thrown to a den of desperate lionesses.

10:00 ABC CONVEYOR BELT OF LOVE

Debut! Women get to choose any man they like off a passing conveyor belt. ATROCITY!!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 5

8:00 NBC THE BIGGEST LOSER

Season premiere! Just because I gained 25 pounds during the holidays doesn't mean I have to audition for this show!

10:00 ANI MANEATERS

Debut! A new series dedicated to animals who are only interested in large chunks of your ass.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6

8:00 CBS I GET THAT A LOT

A hidden camera prank show featuring Paris Hilton, Snoop Dogg, and Rachael Ray (who should borrow a neck if she doesn't want to be recognized).