THURSDAY, JUNE 7
8:00 CBS PIRATE MASTER
If you haven't checked out this hilariously bad rip-off of Survivor, do so immediately! It's a butt-cringing hoot!
8:30 ABC FAST CARS & SUPERSTARS
Debut! Like Dancing with the Stars, except the celebs crash and catch on fire.
FRIDAY, JUNE 8
9:00 FOX STANDOFF
Return! Like hostage negotiations? Then you might like this snappy show starring Office Space's Ron Livingston.
SATURDAY, JUNE 9
9:00 BBCA HEX
It's more sexy witchery, when an evil demon tries to conjure up some sweet booty!
10:00 A&E STAR WARS: EMPIRE OF DREAMS
An interesting documentary on the cultural impact of Star Wars, featuring talking heads such as... Stephen Colbert and Newt Gingrich?
SUNDAY, JUNE 10
9:00 HBO THE SOPRANOS
Series finale! What goes around comes around, as the series ends in Tony's psychiatrist's office. Diagnosis? Still a sociopath!
MONDAY, JUNE 11
9:00 HBO BIG LOVE
Season premiere! More adventures with Utah's favorite sexy polygamists!
9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
When a contestant begins crying from the pressure, Chef Ramsay provides comfort by calling him a "fat, blubbering, baby donkey."
TUESDAY, JUNE 12
8:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT
Sharon Osbourne, The Hoff, and that limey guy endure more painful auditions.
10:30 OXY FIGHT GIRLS
Debut! Two gals start training to be Muay Thai champions. Their first class: Slamming Knees into the Genitals 101.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13
10:00 BRAVO TOP CHEF
Season premiere! The kinder, gentler version of Hell's Kitchen returns, with cooks who can actually cook!
10:00 FX RESCUE ME
Season premiere! New York's most dysfunctional firefighters return for more illicit sex, violence, and pill popping. Yay!
