THURSDAY, JUNE 5

10:00 NBC FEAR ITSELF

Debut! A new horror anthology series (like The Twilight Zone) that probably won't make you poop your pants.

10:00 CBS SWINGTOWN

Debut! A square couple in the late '70s discovers their new naughty neighbors are swingers!

FRIDAY, JUNE 6

8:00 SCIFI CHARLIE JADE

Debut! A rogue private dick gets tossed into a parallel universe (which for my money is the best kind).

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Viper pilots and Cylon toasters team up to blow the crap out of the resurrection hub. (Don't get it? Ask a nerd.)

SATURDAY, JUNE 7

8:00 CBS SYBIL—Movie

(2007) A girl has 16 distinct personalities, and her mom's pissed because none of them will wash a dish.

SUNDAY, JUNE 8

8:00 CBS MILLION DOLLAR PASSWORD

Regis Philbin brings back the classic game where dumb celebrities help dumb normal people win money.

10:00 SHOW THIS AMERICAN LIFE

Season finale! Don't miss this smart, touching, and fun documentary series from NPR host Ira Glass.

MONDAY, JUNE 9

8:00 TLC MASTER OF DANCE

Debut! Five contestants compete for $50,000 to see whose bottom is the move-iest.

9:30 NBC NASHVILLE STAR

Season premiere! It's American Idol for hillbillies, naturally starring straw-chewing dullard Billy Ray Cyrus.

TUESDAY, JUNE 10

9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

The chefs teach what they know to cooking-impaired housewives—in other words, the blind leading the blind.

10:00 FX 30 DAYS

In order to see what it's like for a person who's competed on Celebrity Circus, a man spends 30 days in a wheelchair.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11

9:30 NBC CELEBRITY CIRCUS

Debut! Wee Man climbs into a lion's mouth, with a lit stick of dynamite up his ass. (I wish.)

10:00 BRAVO TOP CHEF

Season finale! The final two chefs go head to head to decide who's the best cook (on a basic cable network reality show).