THURSDAY, JUNE 5
10:00 NBC FEAR ITSELF
Debut! A new horror anthology series (like The Twilight Zone) that probably won't make you poop your pants.
10:00 CBS SWINGTOWN
Debut! A square couple in the late '70s discovers their new naughty neighbors are swingers!
FRIDAY, JUNE 6
8:00 SCIFI CHARLIE JADE
Debut! A rogue private dick gets tossed into a parallel universe (which for my money is the best kind).
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Viper pilots and Cylon toasters team up to blow the crap out of the resurrection hub. (Don't get it? Ask a nerd.)
SATURDAY, JUNE 7
8:00 CBS SYBIL—Movie
(2007) A girl has 16 distinct personalities, and her mom's pissed because none of them will wash a dish.
SUNDAY, JUNE 8
8:00 CBS MILLION DOLLAR PASSWORD
Regis Philbin brings back the classic game where dumb celebrities help dumb normal people win money.
10:00 SHOW THIS AMERICAN LIFE
Season finale! Don't miss this smart, touching, and fun documentary series from NPR host Ira Glass.
MONDAY, JUNE 9
8:00 TLC MASTER OF DANCE
Debut! Five contestants compete for $50,000 to see whose bottom is the move-iest.
9:30 NBC NASHVILLE STAR
Season premiere! It's American Idol for hillbillies, naturally starring straw-chewing dullard Billy Ray Cyrus.
TUESDAY, JUNE 10
9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
The chefs teach what they know to cooking-impaired housewives—in other words, the blind leading the blind.
10:00 FX 30 DAYS
In order to see what it's like for a person who's competed on Celebrity Circus, a man spends 30 days in a wheelchair.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11
9:30 NBC CELEBRITY CIRCUS
Debut! Wee Man climbs into a lion's mouth, with a lit stick of dynamite up his ass. (I wish.)
10:00 BRAVO TOP CHEF
Season finale! The final two chefs go head to head to decide who's the best cook (on a basic cable network reality show).