THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25
8:00 SOAP GENERAL HOSPITAL: X-MAS PAST
Classic General Hospital episodes that will surely include good tidings, cheer, and psychotic evil twins.
8:00 COM BAD SANTA—Movie
(2003) Billy Bob Thornton plays the nastiest Santa ever in this surefire cure for the holidays.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26
8:00 ABC WIFE SWAP
An etiquette-obsessed mom switches places with a steroid-pumped female weightlifter. Hilarity, you may now ensue!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27
8:00 NBC OLYMPICS OPENING CEREMONIES
A repeat of the most amazing TV event of the year, which made Americans feel like crap.
9:00 TOON JUSTICE LEAGUE: THE NEW FRONTIER—Movie
(2008) A cool animated version of the origins of the Justice League set in the early '60s!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28
7:00 ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC—Movie
(1965) Governess Julie Andrews kicks Nazi ass—via the power of song!
10:30 HBO SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH
Season finale! It's the premiere performance of Mr. G's musical about a dead student—produced in a very sensitive manner, of course.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 29
8:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
In this repeat, Vanessa blackmails Blair, so Blair convinces Chuck to seduce Vanessa, and... why can't these kids get along?!
10:00 MTV THE CITY
Debut! Whitney from The Hills moves to NYC in this new "reality (wink-wink)" show.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30
8:30 ABC RUDOLPH'S SHINY NEW YEAR
Father Time asks Rudolph to rescue Baby New Year. Hold on! Doesn't that count as a "reindeer game"?
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31
10:00 ABC DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE WITH RYAN SEACREST
Celebrate New Year's with Dick Clark (who I'm pretty sure is an android).
11:00 FOX NEW YEAR'S EVE LIVE
Stunt cyclist Robbie Knievel jumps a volcano in Las Vegas! Top that, android Dick Clark!