Thursday, October 16 8:00 NBC FRIENDS Baby Emma is mistakenly given an X-rated cake for her first birthday. Is this where "hilarity" is supposed to ensue?

9:00 ABC EXTREME MAKEOVER An unattractive woman gets all of her internal organs (including her brain) dumped into a model's body. Waitasecond! Is that even possible??

Friday, October 17 8:00 HBO PULP FICTION--Movie Quentin Tarantino's meandering but often brilliant tale of how Samuel L. Jackson wound up with brain parts in his afro.

9:00 FOX BOSTON PUBLIC When a surly teen slaps Marla, the teacher turns the other cheek--and then knocks the punk into next week.

Saturday, October 18 8:30 COM RENO 911! To pass their Homeland Security test, the department falls back on their old, reliable stand-by--cheating.

9:00 UPN THE EDGE--Movie (1997) An unintentionally hee-larious flick starring Anthony Hopkins, Alec Baldwin, and a man-eating motherfawking bear.

Sunday, October 19 9:00 ABC ALIAS Desperate to regain her memory, Syd agrees to let a scientist hit her on the head with a frying pan.

9:00 WB TARZAN Tarzan helps detective Jane track down a missing person using his uncanny ability to sniff out every variety of Calvin Klein cologne.

Monday, October 20 8:00 FOX THE NEXT JOE MILLIONAIRE Season Premiere! Fox chooses a new gaggle of women to be duped--this time from Europe!

9:00 FOX SKIN Debut! The son of a crusading D.A. and the daughter of a porno king fall in love in this hotsy-totsy new drama.

Tuesday, October 21 10:00 A&E MI-5 Tom goes undercover in the military, and discovers the joys of "communal showers."

Wednesday, October 22 9:00 WB ANGEL Spike encounters an 18th-Century serial killer. SoÉcan ghosts poop their pants?

10:00 ABC KAREN SISCO One of the few decent new shows this year! Don't miss this one--it's got pork-a-bility!