MONDAY, JULY 1 With July 4th just around the corner, many Americans spent today pumping up their patriotic fervor to properly celebrate the upcoming holiday. However, their pumpiness was deflated after learning that a U.S. plane accidentally bombed a wedding party in Afghanistan. The bomb fell this morning around 1 am in the central Afghan province of Uruzgan, which is about 105 miles northeast of Kandahar, and at least 120 people were reported either dead or wounded. American forces were supposedly responding to anti-aircraft fire, but an Afghan Defense Ministry official said that members of the wedding were firing their rifles into the air--a common celebratory tradition--when the attack took place. According to survivors, the wedding party looked like "a slaughterhouse" or a "doomsday scene" where at least 30 people died. One 15-year-old who was being treated at a local hospital noted, "A piece of iron sliced the woman's neck in front of me. In a split second her head was not on her body." A report in Stars and Stripes claims that U.S. investigators on the scene appeared to be skeptical of any major damage and were said to be remarking, "There should be more blood" and "Where are the bodies?" The investigators were quickly shown parts of a skull and an ear, and told the bodies had already been buried--as is often the case after being bombed by a bunch of trigger-happy fly-boys. Guess that's the last wedding invitation America will receive anytime soon

TUESDAY, JULY 2 And speaking of flying the friendly skies two pilots for American West Airlines have been dismissed for getting drunk behind the wheel or is that wings? Pilot Thomas Cloyd and co-pilot Christopher Hughes were scheduled to take off from Miami, when they were stopped by a security official for trying to carry cups of coffee to the gate. When the tipsy pilots got uppity with the guard, he narc'd them out for smelling like alcohol. The plane was taxiing down the runway when the pilots were told to turn their drunken, sorry asses around and return to the gate. The pilots were then subjected to field sobriety tests--which they failed. Under Florida law, a person is intoxicated after blowing a 0.08, and according to Miami-Dade County Police spokesman, Juan Delcastillo, "the pilot came back with 0.091 and the co-pilot with a 0.084." BUSTED! And while we would probably blow a 1.4 at this very moment, America West Airlines claims it doesn't matter how much the two pilots had imbibed; they have a "zero tolerance policy." As for the passengers, they were put on another flight and probably given a voucher for $50 and two free cocktails. After all, why should the pilots have all the fun?

WEDNESDAY, JULY 3 Whoooo-wheee! A lot of juice has been squirting from the Hollywood Gossip fruit, so let's get to it! According to Britain's Daily Mail, Oscar-winning sweetheart and homewrecker Julia Roberts may be getting married again, after paying off the wife of hubby-to-be Daniel Moder for a quickie divorce. Sources indicate the wedding could happen as soon as July 4th, especially since Danny's parents (who had previously poo-pooed the union) have now come around to Julia's winning ways. "Danny's parents were initially opposed to his relationship with Julia because they liked and respected his wife Vera. Eventually they have accepted that he and Julia are in love." Yeah, and we're sure a quick ten grand slipped underneath the table didn't hurt either Meanwhile! The opening night for Britney Spears' new restaurant, Nyla, didn't go quite as planned, when many high rollers were left standing in the pouring rain, unable to negotiate the screaming crowds of teeny-boppers. Also, according to the New York Post, "three Columbia co-eds" are claiming they suffered food poisoning after ingesting the wild striped bass (which will hereafter be known as "Oops, I See it Again"). Meanwhile! After closely watching the four videotapes found in R. Kelly's rented R.V., the Chicago police have concluded they do NOT contain any child porn, but rather good old-fashioned regular porn. Kelly's lawyers were vindicated by the news, accusing prosecutors of leaking incorrect information to the press in order to assure Kelly's conviction. So okay. We think we have it now. Instead of sticking his dick in six underage girls, it was only two. Case dismissed!

THURSDAY, JULY 4 Though originally planning to celebrate this country's 226th birthday, America simply forgot about all those fireworks and bratwurst after learning that Julia Roberts had indeed gotten married! The hush-hush affair transpired early this morning on Roberts' ranch in Taos, disguised as her Fourth of July "annual barbecue." However, nosy nellies were tipped off when the invitation asked the guests to wear white linen--a definite no-no around drippy barbecue sauce! And while Brad Pitt was a no-show, Ocean's Eleven co-workers George Clooney and Steven Soderbergh made the scene. That evening America celebrated the Pretty Woman's nuptials by shooting off fireworks, waving flags, and drinking until they passed out. And while a small amount of noise was made about a terrorist shooting up the Los Angeles airport, as it turns out, the suspect in question was NOT former Roberts' beau Lyle Lovett.

FRIDAY, JULY 5 Take off your top! It's time for the annual Northwest Nudist Association convention! Hundreds of flabby people from across the region have gathered in Marcola, Oregon for the convention, which ends Sunday. The birthday-suited will elect a new board of directors, and also square dance, swim, play horseshoes, ping-pong, shuffleboard, and darts. Are we creating nice imagery for you? Before you strip down and head south, there are a few things you should know about those in the raw. According to The Oregonian, the un-appareled prefer the word "nude" rather than "naked," because naked implies a sense of shame or vulnerability. They also don't care for such words as "parading," "cavorting," "cellulite," "sagging," or "flaccid." They are very fond of personal hygiene and eye contact. Bring your own bug repellent.

SATURDAY, JULY 6 The Associated Press reported today, that singer Michael Jackson has accused the recording industry of conspiring to turn a profit at the expense of performers. "The recording companies really, really do conspire against the artists--they steal, they cheat, they do everything they can," Jackson said in a rare public appearance. He went on to say that the industry discriminates especially against black artists. Even black artists who look white. He specifically mentioned Mariah Carey. The Rev. Al Sharpton and attorney Johnnie Cochran, Jr. are investigating Jackson's charges. "If you fight for me, you're fighting for all black people, dead and alive," said Jackson. Okay but does that list include rich pedophiles? (Remember when they told you to choose your battles? This is what they meant.)

SUNDAY, JULY 7 Baseball legend Ted Williams died Friday, and his kinfolk are already bickering over his remains. On Saturday, Williams' estranged daughter accused her half brother, John Henry Williams, of planning to cryogenically freeze their father's body and preserve his DNA, perhaps to sell in the future. The daughter, Barbara Joyce Williams Ferrell, said that a "very important person" alerted her to the scheme. "I will rescue my father's body," she told The Associated Press. "Me and my attorney (sic) are working on that." Ferrell said her brother first brought up the idea of freezing dad in 2001, after their father's open-heart surgery. "He said the way they're going with medical science and DNA, we could freeze dad's body, or we can freeze his head," Ferrell told The Boston Globe. "He said we could sell the DNA." I don't know, kids. The last time that gene pool was utilized the results were not so super