All right. Who did it? C'mon, it'll go easier on you if you confess. And don't give us that "Who? Sweet innocent me?" routine. We know it was one of you, and the sooner you fess up, the sooner the rest of us can watch J.LO rip off your head, and mount it on a sharp, pointy stick. You have no idea what we're talking about? Let's see if this jogs your memory: The proverbial cat was let out of the bag today when the date and location of J.LO and B.AFF's wedding was released to the general public--thanks in part to gossip whores such as ourself. A source close to Bennifer revealed the gala event would be taking place at the ultra-posh Bacara Resort in Santa Barbara, CA on September 14. "No expense has been spared," said the snitch. "Bacara is idyllic and can ensure their privacy because it is hidden away." That is, it was hidden away until you revealed it, blabber-mouth! (Not that we're complaining; One Day desperately depends on the "blabber-mouth" to keep her closet filled with the latest Vera Wang and Manolo Blahnik.) Unfortunately for the future Mrs. B.AFF, her plans of keeping the affair secret have blown up in her botoxed face, and it will be next to impossible to keep the ceremony from becoming a media circus. This is why LO's on the warpath, and is instructing her wedding planner to root out the blabber-mouth, who could possibly be in deep, deep doo-doo. It seems everyone who knew the location of the coming nuptials were forced to sign confidentiality agreements, and if we know our J.LO, she won't rest until the blabber-mouth is sharing a cell at Guantanamo Bay with the rest of the Taliban. Stay tuned for details!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
Hear ye! Hear ye! Britney Spears is NOT a lesbian! Repeat: NOT a lesbian! No, your eyes have not deceived you; that was Madonna sticking her tongue down Britter's throat at the MTV Video Music Awards. However, as it turns out, Britney did not enjoy it--thereby excluding her from the Sapphic Love Club (an organization we haven't belonged to since our sophomore year at Brown). "I didn't know [the smooch] was gonna be that long and everything," Britney said to reporters today. "But it was cool. I've never kissed a woman before. I would not do it again." Not exactly a ringing endorsement for Madonna's much-exalted sexual prowess, is it? But apparently the kiss meant more to the matronly madam of pop than her tight-lipped protégée. PeopleNews is reporting that Madonna purchased Brit a diamond encrusted necklace worth ten grand to say thanks for kissing her and tapping the brakes on her downward spiraling career. A $10,000 necklace in exchange for the drooling tongue of a 45-year-old mother of two? EhhhhhÉ as trades go, one could do worse.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3
Today The Washington Times printed excerpts from a classified Pentagon report that bluntly stated the war against Iraq was riddled with poor, inadequate planning before the invasion even began. Intended for the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the report said that U.S. commanders were given too little time to adequately prepare for post-war hijinx--such as the incessant guerrilla attacks which have killed more soldiers post-war than during the actual engagement. The report also states the plan to search for so-called "weapons of mass destruction" was piss-poor--which of course assumes there were any WMDs in the first place. And as we all know by nowÉ there weren't. However, there were some high marks in the "killing people and bombing things" section of the report. Joint war fighting capabilities among U.S. military services? A+! Bombing "time-sensitive" targets? A+! Unfortunately, the military and in particular the Bush Administration fared poorly when it comes to "playing well with others" and as a result, both will be held back a grade.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 4
So far no one has confessed to blurting out the date and location of J.LO's wedding. That's okay. But it's not too late to admit you've been ILLEGALLY DOWNLOADING MUSIC. The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced today that anyone who promises to stop downloading songs off the internet will be given amnesty, and avoid prosecution. Apparently, users who sign a notarized affidavit promising to stop using song-sharing sites like Kazaa, and delete all the songs they've acquired illegally, will be exempt from the hundreds of lawsuits the RIAA is expected to file this week. Now. For all those downloaders who are considering taking the RIAA up on their offer, we'd like to say just one thing: "Do it, and you're a chickenshit." Remember that kid in elementary school who finked out his friends to keep himself out of trouble? That's the kind of person who would sign this bullshit affidavit. Downloading music is perfectly moral and legitimate, and here's why: Let's say we buy a delicious pie at the local bakery. After purchasing it, if we decide to share this pie with our friends, should those same friends be forced to go back to the bakery and pay for the pie? NO, because the PIE has already been PAID FOR. (For those who may be a tad slow, the pie represents downloaded music, and the bakery is the RIAA.) So put that in your pie, RIAA--and smoke it!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
Great news, club kids! It turns out Ecstasy may not be the nefarious scourge previously reported. Today the Journal of Science retracted a story about research performed last year that found key neurons in the brains of squirrel monkeys and baboons were damaged when the animals were given doses of Ecstasy. (As lab animal duty goes, that group got pretty lucky.) The study raised the possibility that Ecstasy use could lead to Parkinson's disease. However, it turns out that a label mix-up led the scientists in charge of the study to give their test subjects enormous doses of--not Ecstasy--but methamphetamine. The study did meet with some initial doubt from other scientists who pointed out that two of the 10 test subjects died, and it's thought that EVEN club kids probably wouldn't take a drug that killed two out of every 10 people who took it. Of course, there are plenty of other studies that conclude Ecstasy might not be the most healthy pharmaceutical. Meth addicts--who already possess rotting teeth, bad skin, and irksome behavioral ticks--now have to worry about Parkinson's, too.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
Do you LOVE corn, but feel guilty eating it because of its notorious reputation as a KILLER? Well, you'll be happy to hear they've finally come up with a way to make corn healthy! The Associated Press reported today that by mixing conventional seed with a bright-blooming relative, scientists have created a new breed of corn which offers the promise of helping prevent clogged arteries and reducing harmful cholesterol. Naturally, this is a HUGE relief to Iowans. The people of Europe, who are suspicious of genetically engineered food, are less excited. The secret ingredient in the new corn is oleic acid, which lowers bad cholesterol. Proponents of the healthy corn believe it could lead to healthy corn oil, which, in high doses, could counteract the negative effects of Ecstasy. Look for healthy corn on store shelves in about four years.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 7
According to The New York Times, the U.S. Army, weary of supporting a bunch of pansies, has announced that EVERY soldier will from now on be a fighting machine. Unlike the Marines, who pride themselves on being uniformly badass, the army has thousands of cooks, mechanic and supply troops who are, to put it mildly, out of touch with the Army of One. How will the Army put the fight back in their fighters? We're guessing it all goes back to basic training: More practice in the raping and pillaging department. More blood and guts in the commissary. Obstacle courses with real life stressful simulations, like CNN reporters, friendly fire, and dysentery. And the uniforms? Let's just say, less camo, more Spartacus.
