The unfortunate truth of running a weekly newspaper--or any entertainment-based business--is that you live and die by the youthfulness of your clientele. Young people go out, they spend money, they buy useless things. Old people stay at home, they watch TV they may buy the occasional recreational vehicle. Therefore, many advertisers prefer to advertise in a forum that attracts youngish readers. Unfortunately, as the Willamette Week has aged, so has their readership. And when too many older citizens read your newspaper, it skews your demographics, advertisers stop advertising, and poof! You're OPPRESSED.

What follows are actual statistics from the Spring 2002 Media Audit (an independent organization that polls readers on their likes and dislikes) that support the undeniable truth that old people are ruining, and therefore oppressing, this grand old paper.

As Compared to YOU

• WW readers are almost twice as likely to own an R.V.

• WW readers are twice as likely to be retired.

• WW readers are more likely to shop at Wal-Mart.

• WW readers are twice as likely to be covered by Medicare.

• WW readers are almost twice as likely to be Republican.

• WW readers are over 10 times more likely to be "graying affluents" (that's old rich people).

• WW readers are twice as likely to be between the ages of 65 and 74.

• WW readers are three times as likely to buy furniture at La-Z-Boy Furniture Galleries.

On behalf of the Willamette Week, we'd like to issue the following plea to all old people: "For the love of Mike, will you hurry up and DIE already?!?!"--WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY