Jon and Audrey have a one-year-old baby named Lucy. We interviewed them to find out what's up with that.
Mercury: So, what tricks can it do?
Jon: Well, when you say, "Lucy, stick out your tongue," she'll stick out her tongue.
Can it do tricks like wash dishes?
J: She's better at dirtying dishes. And throwing them on the floor.
Audrey: And she can suddenly be gone and then reappear in a different part of the room.
She has the power of teleportation? That's cool.
A: Yes! One second she's standing next to the couch, the next she's at the top of the basement stairs.
J: Oh, and another trick she can do is shit herself.
I've heard that happens a lot. Can't you do something to slow it down? Like feed it less?
A: Well, I suppose you could feed her a lot of cheese. That'd slow it down.
So what do you feed it?
A: Mushed-up vegetables.
Like Lucky Charms?
J: No Lucky Charms.
No wonder it cries.
A: She also cries when she bangs her head.
She bangs her own head?
A: Yeah, when she falls.
Is she a drunk?
A: No, she can't walk yet.
You're kidding me.
J: She's still learning—and by the way, we don't let her drink alcohol. Or smoke.
That's weird. Do you ever let it outside?
A: Sure, we go to the movies...
The audience must love that... New question: Circumcision—oui or non?
J: Well, luckily Lucy's a girl, so we didn't have to worry about that.
Okay... Female circumcision—oui or non?
A: Umm... we don't have to worry about that either because we don't live in SOMALIA.
They also do it in France.
A: I... don't think that's true.
They put make-up on babies in France.
A: Well... we're not French.
J: Or Somalian.
GODDAMN RIGHT! Okay, here's a question for Audrey: Who's the real father?
J: I'm the real father.
I was talking to Audrey. But you have to admit, she looks nothing like you.
J: Well, she doesn't have a beard... throw a beard on her, and you'd see.
So you've had the paternity test.
J: Of course. You don't leave these things to chance. You don't want to find out 18 years from now you've been supporting somebody else's kid.
That's what Kanye West said in that "Golddigger" song. "Eighteen years! Eighteen years! She got one of yo' kids, got you for 18 years!"
Okay. So were you shocked when you had sex, and then got pregnant?
A: That's kind of a personal question.
Let me rephrase it: Was Lucy an accident?
J & A: Noooooooooooooo...
A: But I was surprised that I could skip birth control for a while and not get pregnant.
J: JEEZ! Don't say that! The dumb fucks reading this will stop using birth control!
A: I meant if you're over 30.
J: But if you're 18 to 25 you can GUARANTEE you'll get pregnant the first time! And herpes!
Thank you, Dr. Bummer. Next question: Your baby is normal, but how deformed would it have to be to make you send it back?
J: Well, we agreed that if it came with a tail, we'd keep it.
A: Some deformities are cool.
True. My cool deformity is a receding hairline. Speaking of deformities, what kind of career path are you going to push it into?
A: Career path?
Yeah, like will her career be more like Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears? Or Paris Hilton?
J: Any other options?
Okay, fine... Madeleine Albright?
J: Well... why not?
Because it's a total waste of her "hot" talent.
J: But she could be hot and Secretary of State.
Good point. She could be the first hot Secretary of State.
A: We can only hope.