As USA Today declared, America the Beautiful is under siege. What are we gonna do about it as a nation? What are we gonna do about it as citizens of this fine city? There's big challenges ahead of us, one of which is choosing Homecoming King of Portland. Sure, Portland's chock-a-block with smart, hardworking, talented Americans, who start bands willy-nilly and worry about the tightness of their poly-blend pants over wheat-grass smoothies. But tough times call for tough assessments. Let's just say it: We can't elect a Prom King to do the Homecoming King's job. And this town is full of Prom Kings: nice, well-dressed guys who are a little too light in the loafers to get the job done, if you know what I mean. The solution? A normal, average guy like me holding the scepter of Homecoming Kingness aloft as a shining scimitar of the power and promise of Portland, USmotherfuckingA.