(Broad opening statement) I'm a broad. (Thesis statement) I deserve to be Queen of Mercury High. (Supporting statements) During my 23 years, I have never experienced the rapt pleasure of riding in a cop car, pulling someone's underwear over their head, farting during the lowering of a casket, or having intern-al sex with a politician. And as a flexible, long-limbed Asian, it is this city's duty to choose a person of color so that reverse discrimination can occur at the highest ranks of society. (Concluding statement) Therefore, I deserve to be Queen of Mercury High because I can lick any son of a bitch in the house.