LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS: THE OWLS OF GA'HOOLE Pictured above: some stupid owl.

WE CAN ALL AGREE that owls have an image problem, yes? Whenever you see an owl, it's (A) reading, (B) rambling on about Tootsie Pops, or (C) hanging out with those dweebs from Hogwarts. COME ON, OWLS. STOP BEING LAME.

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But good god, don't do what the owls in Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole do. Whenever you see an owl in The Owls of Gahhehooohelé or whatever the fuck it's called, it's (A) wearing a stupid little helmet, (B) wearing Freddy Krueger-style talons over its perfectly serviceable regular talons, or (C) saying insipid shit like, "Listen, Gylfie, I need to trust my gizzard!" COME ON, OWLS. STOP BEING LAME.

300 and Watchmen director Zack Snyder directed The Owls of Goola'aa'ona or whatever; it follows that just about every single shot is in slow motion and the entire thing is gorgeously animated and completely soulless. There are boring good owls who put on their stupid little helmets to fight evil Nazi owls; there's some junk I didn't bother trying to understand about magic metal being hidden in owl pellets; sometimes owls sing and/or tell knock-knock jokes; the whole stupid story lurches and stumbles forward as if it's being told to you by a seven-year-old who's making it up as he goes. If your child enjoys anything about any of this, I would advise significantly adjusting your expectations of his or her future accomplishments.

SLAY Film Fest
In person at the Clinton St. Theater 10/29 & 10/30