Chris Ryan
"Defense of Heterosexual Breeding." "Traditional Prejudices." "The Beaver State Defense of Beaver." These are some of the coalitions supporting Ballot Measure 36 that you may not have heard of this election season. Why? Because they're really not supporting Measure 36 at all.

"My calling in life is to be a satirist," says M. Dennis Moore, head of the aforementioned organizations, "to ridicule the Religious Right."

To fulfill his self-proclaimed destiny, Moore has published not one, but four different scathingly sarcastic pro-Measure 36 arguments in the upcoming Oregon Voters Pamphlet.

"AGREE WITH US OR BURN IN HELL!" screams the argument from the Traditional Prejudices Coalition.

"It is God's will that we multiply and fill the Earth!" shouts the Defense of Heterosexual Breeding Coalition as part of its "marriage is for procreation" platform. "And subdue it when the population explosion self-implodes. Praise God!"

"Your special right to practice your moral beliefs (including marriage) is subject to the whims of popular vote!" cries the God for Oregon Deity-PAC. "It's not discrimination, it's electoral theology. "

Moore's less-than-subtle attacks on religious pro-36 groups have, not surprisingly, been met with some animosity.

"The Religious Right has always screamed about how awful I am," says Moore, "making a mockery of the political system and so on. But they're making a mockery of it by trying to change the Constitution based on their personal moral beliefs."

The best part of Moore's fake arguments is that, since they'll be located in the Voters Pamphlet's pro-36 section, they'll most likely be read by your politically minded, Bible-thumping, homo-hating Uncle Wilbur out in Gresham. Let's hope he has a sense of humor, though--or he might just take them seriously.