Let's put the Byzantine seating arrangement sitch into terms that might be solvable in this handy-dandy logic puzzle:

One hundred friends and family are set to gather under twinkling fairy lights for a festive dinner in honor of your special day of same-sex nuptials. Each of your family members hates each other's guts because of prior misunderstandings about money, childhood slights, and dysfunctional holidays. They would like to be seated at separate tables. Your new husband-to-be Brian's family is unfortunately very well adjusted and sociable, so they too would like to be seated very far away from your POS gene pool. Also:

1. Your mom has gluten allergies and cannot be seated within striking distance of Greg, Brian's uncle who is seemingly made of bread.

2. Your cousin is prone to inappropriate scratching. He would like to be seated next to your best gal pal Claire.

3. Grandma Maude must, at all costs, be kept away from the hosted bar.

4. The friend who ordered the salmon was not the friend who went to AA two years ago.

5. Brian's boss can't be seated next to Aunt Linda. She bites. And she's wildly homophobic, but her love of wedding cake trumps her dislike of the gays.

Now what is your seating arrangement?

Pfffftt, you know what!? Screw it. How about you just hire a food truck and let 'em all fight it out on the lawn.