I hate how my boyfriend has sex with me. He is 40 years old. It used to be fine, but a year ago he started adding new moves he obviously got from porn: smacking my pussy with an open palm, vigorously rubbing my clit, wrapping his hands around my neck. Iām not anti-porn; what bothers me is that even though I told him these moves donāt feel good on my body and hurt me, he doesnāt care. Iāve told him that it is painful when he slaps and manhandles my clit, and he responds that he likes it and I should feel happy that he still wants to fuck me six times a week. Itās not that I donāt want him to enjoy himself, but I donāt feel like his enjoyment should come at the price of mine. I donāt know how to get him to listen to me.
Porn...
I hate how my boyfriend has sex with me. He is 40 years old. It used to be fine, but a year ago he started adding new moves he obviously got from porn: smacking my pussy with an open palm, vigorously rubbing my clit, wrapping his hands around my neck. Iām not anti-porn; what bothers me is that even though I told him these moves donāt feel good on my body and hurt me, he doesnāt care. Iāve told him that it is painful when he slaps and manhandles my clit, and he responds that he likes it and I should feel happy that he still wants to fuck me six times a week. Itās not that I donāt want him to enjoy himself, but I donāt feel like his enjoyment should come at the price of mine. I donāt know how to get him to listen to me.
Porn Lessons Erasing All Sexual Energy
Your boyfriend listened to you, PLEASE. You told him you don't like his porny new moves; he told you he likes them and intends to keep doing them. So this isn't about listeningāit's about caring. Your boyfriend is hurting you and "he doesn't care." Dump the motherfucker already.
And while you're not anti-porn, PLEASE, and I'm certainly not anti-porn, it would appear that pornāthe default sex education for too many people, young and oldāis part of the problem.
"The porn industry, like every other area of popular culture, is dominated by a closed loop of white guys talking to white guys about other white guys," said Cindy Gallop, legendary advertising executive, consultant, and public speaker. "The most easily accessed mainstream straight porn is all about the man, with zero empathy for the female experience, taken to ludicrous (and for the woman, painful) extremes."
Like you and me, PLEASE, Gallop is not anti-porn. But she's fighting shitty pornāand the shitty expectations it can instillāwith real-life contrast via her innovative #realworldsex site/platform MakeLoveNotPorn.com.
"It's a social sex-video-sharing platform designed to be a counterpoint to the porn industry while promoting good sexual values and behavior," said Gallop. "We need to be able to view great #realworldsex in all its messy, funny, beautiful, silly, wonderful, ridiculous humanness in the same medium that we view porn: online. That's why MakeLoveNotPorn.com exists. We're pro-sex, pro-porn, and pro-knowing the difference."
Gallop wants not only to balance out porn with socially shared #realworldsex, but to see the porn market flooded with porn made by womenāwhich doesn't mean porn made "for" women, she points out, but more disruptive, creative porn for everyone. "Seeing more innovative pornāporn that men would find just as hotāwould result in everybody having a much better time in bed," said Gallop. "Men need to see there is no bigger turn-on than being in bed with someone who you know is having an absolutely fabulous time because of you."
Unfortunately, PLEASE, you're having an absolutely miserable time because of him.
"PLEASE's boyfriend is operating in his own closed loop," said Gallop, "the belief that sexual gratification is all about him. He has no idea what sexual gratification really could be. She needs to leave him."
You can find Cindy Gallop's viral Ted Talk and a documentary about Make Love Not Porn at ifundwomen.com/projects/makelovenotporn. Follow her on Twitter @CindyGallop.
Iām 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend (also 28) for three years. Our relationship is monogamous and vanilla. Iām a pretty sexual person: Iāve been to bondage clubs and burlesque shows, and Iāve had my fair share of sexual encounters with men and women. I like to dominate and be dominated. However, my boyfriend is non-aggressive, non-dominating, and non-initiating. I ALWAYS have to initiate and Iām ALWAYS in the driverās seat. Iām tired of this. I enjoy strong masculine energy! Iām a feminist, but sometimes in the bedroom it can be incredibly hot to feel like a sex object. Weāve talked and talked, and tried some light bondage (he didnāt like it), and talked about a threesome (heās opposed). He says sex just isnāt something he āthinks about a lot.ā How do I get him to show some sexual aggression?
Wants Him Aggressive More
Keep reading, WHAM.
My husband of 17 years has never been into sexāwhich I always knew was a problem, but the other stuff was good. Heās into pornography, though, and Iāve busted him many times. To say I am resentful is an understatement. He uses corn oil for masturbating, and Iāve been reduced to marking the bottle and booby-trapping it to see if heās been up to his tricks. We have two children, so thatās what keeps me from āpulling the trigger.ā
Gagging In Chicago
GIC: You have three options.
1. Pull the trigger.
2. Redefine your marriage as companionateāit's about child-rearing and family life, not about sex. If your husband is free to find fulfillment in the bottle (of corn oil), and you're free to find fulfillment in the bedroom (of another man/men), maybe you can make it work.
3. Continue with what you're doing nowāyour husband sneaking off to have a wank, and you monitoring (and booby-trapping?!?) every bottle of corn oil that comes into the house.
WHAM: Your boyfriend isn't going to become someone elseāhe's not going to suddenly become more interested in sex or more sexually aggressiveāso if you don't want to be sending me a letter like GIC's in 14 years, end this relationship. People who want healthy, functional, monogamous LTRsāfree from booby traps and bustsāneed to prioritize sexual compatibility at the start. That doesn't mean things can't go off the rails later (see the first letter), but they're less likely to.
I desperately wanted to be GGG in my past relationship. My partner chronically complained that I wasnāt giving him enough sex. I felt so guilty that I put up with some very coercive situations. I became an orgasm dispenser for a dumbass whose beard prickled my clit painfully, who complained my G-spot moved around, and who fell asleep fingering me. I put up with his shit for far too long. It would have been helpful to be told that GGG needs to be MUTUAL and feel good for both parties.
Sassy Unconquered Babe
GGGāgood in bed, giving of pleasure, and game for anything within reasonāis what we should be for our partners and our partners should be for us. So it absolutely needs to be mutual, SUB, and there are definitely limits.
"Being GGG means considering a partner's reasonable sexual requests," I responded to a reader who asked for a GGG clarification back when we had a brand-new and completely sane president. "Not all sexual requests can be fulfilled, and not all needs can be met. But two people who want to make their relationship work need to carve out a mutually satisfying repertoire that doesn't leave anyone feeling frustrated or used. Does everyone get everything they want? Of course not. But each of us has a right to ask for our needs to be met (without being abusive or coercive) and the responsibility to indulge our partner's reasonable requests if we can (without being abused or coerced). We should also recognize when the gulf is too great and end the relationship rather than engaging in sex acts that leave us feeling diminished and dehumanized."
