Iâm a twentysomething straight woman. About a month ago, I had a really vivid dream in which I was at a party and engaging with a guy I had just met. We were seriously flirting. Then my fiancĂ© showed upâmy real, flesh-and-blood, sleeping-next-to-me fiancĂ©âwho weâll call G. In the dream, I proceeded to shower G with attention and PDA; I was all over him in a way we typically arenât in public. I was clearly doing it to get a reaction from the guy Iâd just spent the last dream-hour seducing. It was as if it had been my plan all along. Last night, I had a similar dream. This time, the guy was an old high-school boyfriend, but otherwise it was the same: flirty baiting, followed by the use of G to reject and humiliate the other guy. I was really turned on by these dreams. In real life,...
My Extra-Arousing Nastiness
We watch imaginary people being harmedâmuch more grievously harmedâin movies and on television and read about imaginary people being harmed in novels. Think of poor Barb in Stranger Things or poor Theon Greyjoy in Game of Thrones or poor Christian in Fifty Shades of Grey. If it's okay for the Duffer Brothers and HBO and E.L. James to do horrible things to these imaginary people to entertain us, MEAN, it's okay for you and your boyfriend (if he's game) to do much less horrible things to an imaginary third person to entertain yourselves.
But why limit this to fantasy? Why not fuck your fiancé's brains out after flirting with and subsequently humiliating a living, breathing, willing third?
But first, MEAN, give some thought to what exactly turns you on about this and then discuss it with your fiancĂ©. It turns you on to see your partner through another's eyes for obvious reasonsâwhen someone else wants to fuck him, you see him with fresh eyes and want to fuck him that much more. As for the power-play aspects of your fantasy, does your turn-on evaporate if your victim is a willing participant? And how do you feel about threesomes? Threesomes don't have to involve intercourse or outercourse or any other sort of 'course, of course. Bringing someone else inâsomeone who gets off on the idea of being humiliatedâcounts as a threesome, even if all your third "gets" to do is be ditched in a bar. You could even work up to letting your willing third watch and/or listen while your fiancĂ© gets to do what he will never get to doâfuck your amazing brains outâwhich would allow for the humiliation games to continue all night long.
Once G is on board, MEAN, you can start with a little role-playing about this scenario. Then, once you've established that this is as exciting for G as it is for you, advertise for your willing third. The internet is for porn, first and foremost, but it's also pretty good at bringing like-minded kinksters together. As long as your third consents to the play and gets off on it, you aren't poisoning the well or doing harm. And if you're worried it won't be as much fun if your victim is a willing participant, MEAN, remember there will be witnesses, i.e., other people in the bar who won't know it was a setup, and in their eyes you will be cruelly humiliating this poor schmuck.
Not into threesomes of any sort? Well, flirting is just flirtingâit's not a binding contractâand there's no law that requires all flirtations to be strictly sincere and/or immediately actionable. A little casual flirtation with someone else before your fiancĂ© rolls into a bar is permissibleâbut you'll have to let the other person know right away that you have a fiancĂ© and that this flirtation isn't going anywhere, and then you can't go too crazy with the PDA once your fiancĂ© arrives.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for five. He is more sexually adventurous than I am, but I try to keep up. At his request, we have gone to a few sex clubs in our area to have âpublic sex.â Thatâs his main interest. He promised that it would be a one-time thing but insisted we keep going back. He told me that if I ever got uncomfortable, we didnât have to go back. I told him I did not want to go to any more sex clubs, and he found a loophole: sex booths at porn shops. If I have to do sex in public, booths are best because they arenât very popular and there is some privacy. This wasnât good enough for him. He wants an audience, he wants to see me with others, etc. I hate this. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate it. He says all the right thingsâhe respects me, he knows a relationship is a two-way street, etc.âbut he is constantly furious with me about this, he tells me I donât contribute anything to our relationship and that we donât have a true partnershipâall because I donât want to have sex in public with him or with strangers. Right now, heâs storming around the house in a rage about this and I am tired of it. I react to his âpublic requestsâ with nausea and panic because I know he will be enraged for a week if we donât go. I have even suggested that he go outside the marriage, but he wants me to be a part of it. Everything else in our relationship is great. We have a house, a child, and pets. Iâm not sure if all that needs to be broken over this.
Denial Enrages Selfish Partner And I'm Reeling
Iâm running out of column here, DESPAIR, so I'm going to have to be blunt: Your husband is a selfish, emotionally abusive, manipulative asshole, and you should leave him. You gave his kink a try, and not only was it not for you, it makes you fucking miserable. You gave him the okay to find other sex partners to explore this with, and that wasn't good enough for him. He has responded not with the gratitude you deserveâfor the effort you made, for the permission you gave himâbut with emotionally abusive behavior. And what's his goal? To make your life a living hell until you consent under duress? That wouldn't be genuine consent, DESPAIR, and therefore not consent at all. Being served with divorce papers may open his eyes. If so, perhaps your marriage can be saved. If not, go through with the divorce.