Iām a straight man in a live-in relationship with a beautiful woman. There are no sparks in bed, and itās been more than a year since weāve had sex. She says, āIām sorry, but Iām just not interested.ā Sometimes she asks me if Iām disappointed, and I say something like āI miss sex.ā And she says: āMaybe someday. But the important thing is we love each other, right?ā Before my last birthday, she asked me what I wanted as a gift. I replied, āA soapy handjob.ā That wouldāve been the most action Iād had all year. But when my birthday rolled around, all I got was a speech about how she loved me but was not in love with me. My question: In the year 2017, how does a straight man make it clear to the woman heās with that sex is important to him without coming across as threatening?...
Sexless Over A Perplexing Year
Thereās being sensitive to coming across as threatening and wanting to avoid even unintentional coercion and being cognizant of the ways women are socialized to defer to men and the ways men are socialized to feel entitled to women's bodies, SOAPY, and then there's being a fucking doormat. She isn't in love with youāshe told you so herselfāand she's never gonna fuck you or soap you up to get you off. If you don't want her putting out to keep youāif you don't want her to fuck you under duressāthen don't give her the option. That means ending the relationship, SOAPY, not entering into negotiations about the terms for remaining in the relationship. ("1. Tell me you're in love with me, even if it's a lie. 2. A sad, soapy handjob once a year on my birthday....")
There's nothing unreasonable about wanting a romantic relationship that's both loving and fully sexual, SOAPY, and a man can put his wants on the table without pounding said table with his dick. Your girlfriend's issue may be a mysteryāmaybe it's her (she's incapable of being in a loving and fully sexual relationship), maybe it's you (you never turned her on or you did something that murdered her libido)ābut you're not obligated to stay in an unsatisfactory relationship indefinitely because your girlfriend will be devastated if you leave.
Also, devastation is a two-way street. If you dump her, SOAPY, her devastation will be immediate, like the impact of an earthquake or a hurricane. But if you stay, you'll be the one devastatedābut your devastation will be gradual, taking years, like the erosion of coastline or the destruction of our democracy. The destruction of your self-esteem and sense of sexual self-worth could take a decade or more, SOAPY, but it is already under way. She's a lot likelier to get over the devastation she'll feel if you leaveābeing dumped is a common experience that most people bounce back fromāthan you are to get over the devastation you'll experience if you stay
Your gonads/self-respect/preservation instinct are in that apartment somewhere. Get 'em and go.
A man impregnated me about a month into our relationship. He is adamantly against having the kid, as itās too soon. I really donāt want to have an abortionāI have religious and moral beliefs against it. He states that since one parent doesnāt want the kid, I am wrong for even considering keeping it. Am I wrong? Weāre both around 30, and this is my first pregnancy. Do I have the right to continue with the pregnancy? I feel like weād be great parents. Heās already left me because I wouldnāt make a decision within a week. Itās tearing us apart.
Opposing Opinions On Pregnancy Situation
Iām going to sidestep the whole no-abortions-for-religious-and-moral-reasons-but-premarital-sex-is-not-a-problem issue. This pregnancy isn't tearing you apart, OOOPS, it tore you apart. He already ended thingsāhe left youāwhich was a shitty thing to do, perhaps, but within his rights. It is absolutely within your rights to continue with the pregnancyāit's your body, it's your decision. And while he will be on the hook for this kid financially if you decide to have it, no one can force him to do the work/experience the joy/clean up the vomit that comes with actually fathering this child. I'm sorry you're in this position, and here's hoping you have the love and support you need to raise a kid if you decide to keep the baby, and here's hoping he comes around.
I am a straight woman who just started fucking a hot, younger male coworker. The sexual tension between us was out of control until we stayed late one night and screwed on my desk. Since that night, weāve hooked up a few more times. We grope each other in the office daily, as the āfearā of getting caught is a real turn-on for me. The problemāthere always is oneāis that he has a live-in girlfriend. He told me they are in an open relationship, so being with me isnāt cheating. As per their arrangement, he wonāt tell her about me, but if she finds out, he wonāt lie. How do I know if heās telling me the truth or if heās saying these things so Iāll keep sleeping with him? She comes to work events with him, and I feel guilty because she is sweet and obviously adores him. Also, being coworkers adds another layer of issues. I am a well-liked employee who people consider very professional. He is new to the company and is a bit of a scatterbrain. The sex is amazing in part because heās too immature for me to consider romantically. Iād love to keep seeing him for sex, but I donāt want to help him hurt someone else. Can I fuck him guilt free?
Not A Heartbreak Helper
P.S. I've already caught him in some minor lies. For instance, he said one of the rules of the open relationship is no sex in their apartment. Guess where we last fucked?
If the genders were reversed hereāif you were an older, more powerful man fucking a "hot, younger" female coworkerāI'd have to find you and set you on fire or something. Because even before we get to the is-he-or-isn't-he (in an open relationship) issue, the power imbalance makes this not okay. Or it does to some/many/most. But I'm going to let those who object to coworkers fuckingāunless both are partners in the firm with equal tenure, power, and salariesādebate that issue in the comments thread while I address the issue you asked me to address: Can you know for sure whether he's practicing ENM, aka "ethical non-monogamy."
Short answer: No, nope, you canātāand the signs donāt look good. I was making notes as I read your letter, NAHH, and wrote, āHas he lied to you about anything?ā before I got to your postscript. While some couples have DADT agreementsāoutside sex is allowed, but they ādonāt ask, donāt tellāāthe DADT thing makes it hard for their thirds (or fourths or fifths) to verify that the relationship is actually open and they arenāt a party to cheating. So you have to trust the person youāre fuckingāand if theyāve given you reason not to trust them (like lying about other stuff) and/or demonstrated that they arenāt honoring the other rules of their supposedly open relationship (like fucking in the apartment they share), well, then theyāve demonstrated their fundamental untrustworthiness. Basically, NAHH, if heās lying to her, heās probably lying to you, too.
So you can fuck himābut not without guilt.
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