Iâm a 36-year-old straight woman. I was sexually and physically abused as a kid, and raped in my early 20s. I have been seeing a great therapist for the last five years, and I am processing things and feeling better than I ever have. I was in a long-term relationship that ended about two years ago. I started dating this past year, but Iâm not really clicking with anyone. Iâve had a lot of first dates, but nothing beyond that. My problem is that Iâd really love to get laid. The idea of casual sex and one-night stands sounds greatâbut in reality, moving that quickly with someone I donât know or trust freaks me out, causes me to shut down, and prevents me from enjoying anything. Even thinking about going home with someone causes me to panic. When I was in a relationship, the sex was great. But now that...
Sexual Comfort And Reassurance Eludes Dame
It is possible for you to get laid without feeling freaked out.
The answerâhow you go home with someone without panickingâis so obvious, SCARED, that Iâm guessing your therapist has already suggested it: Have sex with someone you know and trust. You didnât have any issues having sex with your ex because you knew and trusted him. For your own emotional safety, and to avoid recovery setbacks, youâre going to have to find someone willing to get to know youâsomeone willing to make an emotional investment in youâbefore you can have sex again.
Youâve probably thought to yourself, âBut everyone else is just jumping into bed with strangers and having amazing sexual experiences!â And while it is true that many people are capable of doing just that, at least as many or more are incapable of having impulsive one-night stands because they too have a history of trauma, or because they have other psychological, physical, or logistical issues that make one-night stands impossible. (Some folks, of course, have no interest in one-night stands.) Your trauma left you with this added burden, SCARED, and I donât want to minimize your legitimate frustration or your anger. It sucks, and I fucking hate the people who victimized you. But it may help you feel a little better about having to make an investment in someone before becoming intimateâwhich really isnât the worst thing in the worldâif you can remind yourself that you arenât alone. Demisexuals, other victims of trauma, people with body-image issues, people whose sexual interests are so stigmatized they donât feel comfortable disclosing them to people theyâve just metâlots of people face the same challenge you do.
Something else to bear in mind: Itâs not unheard of for someone reentering the dating scene to have some difficulty making new connections at first. The trick is to keep going on dates until you finally click with someone. In other words, SCARED, give yourself a break and take your time. Also, donât hesitate to tell the men you date that you need to get to know a person before jumping into bed with him. That will scare some guys off, but only those guys who werenât willing to get to know youâand those arenât guys you would have felt safe fucking anyway, right? So be open and honest, keep going on those first dates, and eventually youâll find yourself on a fifth date with a guy you can think about taking home without feeling panicked. Good luck.
This is about a girl, of course. Pros: She cannot hide her true feelings. Cons: Criminal, irascible, grandiose sense of self, racist, abstemious, self-centered, anxious, moralist, monogamous, biased, denial as a defense mechanism, manipulative, liar, envious, and ungrateful. She is also anthropologically and historically allocated in another temporal space continuum. And last but not least: She runs less quickly than me despite eight years age difference and her having the lungs of a 26-year-old nonsmoker. Thoughts?
Desperate Erotic Situation
If someone is criminal, racist, and dishonestâto say nothing of being allocated in another temporal space continuum (whatever the fuck that means)âI donât see how âcannot hide her true feelingsâ lands on the âproâ side of the pro/con ledger. You shouldnât want to be with a dishonest, moralizing bigot, DES, so the fact that this particular dishonest, moralizing bigot is incapable of hiding her truly repulsive feelings isnât a reason to consider seeing her. Not being able to mask hateful feelings isnât a redeeming qualityâitâs the opposite.
My boyfriend and I love each other deeply, and the thought of breaking up devastates me. We also live together. I deeply regret it and am full of shame, but I impulsively went through his texts for the first time. I found out that for the past few months he has been sexting and almost definitely hooking up with someone who I said I was not comfortable with. After our initial conversation about her (during which I expressed my discomfort), he never brought her up again. Had I known that he needed her in his life this badly, I would have taken some time to sit with my feelings and figure out where my discomfort with her was coming from and tried to move through it. We are in an open relationship, but his relationship with her crosses what we determined as our âcheatingâ boundary: hiding a relationship. How do I confess to what I did and confront him about what I found without it blowing up into a major mess?
Upset Girl Hopes Relationship Survives
Snooping is always wrong, of course, except when the snooper discovers something they had a right to know. While there are definitely less-ambiguous examples (cases where the snoopee was engaged in activities that put the snooper at risk), your boyfriend violating the boundaries of your open relationship rises to the level of âright to know.â This is a major mess, UGHRS, and thereâs no way to confront your boyfriend without risking a blowup. So tell him what you know and how you found out. Youâll be in a better position to assess whether you want this relationship to survive after you confess and confront.
CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS:
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On the Lovecast, Mistress Matisse explains the horrifying SESTA-FOSTA bill: savagelovecast.com.