I like watersports, and I heard about a guy in a rural area who holds piss parties in his backyard. I found a mailing list for those interested in piss play, and it wasnât long before he posted about one of these parties. People on the list talk a big game, but no one else has stepped up to host something, including me. (I would, but four neighbors look into my backyard.) The host has very simple rules for who can attend: You have to identify as a guy and wear masculine attire. I get to the party, and there were about four guys and the host. I had a good time. The host had plenty of drinks out, towels, chairs, canopies, and candles to ward off the mosquitos. Iâve been back a couple times. Everyone is friendly enough and thereâs the right amount of perversion. So whatâs the problem?...
Person Exasperates Enthusiast
The advice I gave a different reader about dealing with a guest horning in on the action at an orgy applies in your case: âEven kind and decent people can be terrible about taking hintsâespecially when doing so means getting cut out of a drunken fuckfest. So donât hint, tell. Thereâs no rule of etiquette that can paper over the discomfort and awkwardness of that moment, so youâll just have to power through it.â
Swap out âdrunken fuckfestâ for âdrenchinâ piss scene,â and the advice worksâup to a point, PEE, because the person in your case who needs telling, not hinting, isnât one of the guests, heâs the host. (And he sounds like a gracious host. I mean, drinks, towels, and canapĂ©s* at a piss party? Swank.) But your hostâs behavior sounds genuinely annoying. Hosting a sex party doesnât give someone the right to insert himself into someone elseâs scene, and stupid jokes have the power to kill the mood and murder the boners.
So what do you do?
Well, you could send your host an email or give him a call. Thank him for the invite, let him know you appreciate the effort he goes to (such delicious canapĂ©s!), and then tell him why some people say theyâre coming and donât show: Youâre too loud, your music is awful, you have a bad habit of horning in on the action, and you need to learn some new jokes to tell when youâre pissing on someone (or, better yet, not tell any jokes at all). But I donât think ticking off a list of his shortcomings is going to get you anywhere other than crossed off the invite list to future parties.
So why not make your own piss party? You donât need a big backyardâI mean, presumably your place has a tub. Supplement your tub with a couple of kiddie pools on top of some plastic tarp laid down on the living room or basement floor. Ask your guests to keep it in the tub, pool, or on the tarp. You get to choose the guys, you get to select the music, and, as host, you can lay down the law about making jokes and horning in on the action: Both are forbidden, and joke-telling horner-inners will be asked to pull up their pants and leave.
One last thought: If you have it in you to invest some time in getting to know this guyâif you treat him like a human beingâyou might be able to draw him out on something that clearly frustrates him: guys who say theyâre coming to the party but donât show. If he seems genuinely baffled, PEE, thatâs your opening to ask if heâd like some constructive feedback. If he says yes, you can very gently run through your list of ways to improve his parties: no jokes, better music, and a âno horning inâ rule for all (not just for him).
*Yes, I know: There were canopies at the party, not canapĂ©sâtents, not hors dâoeuvres. But I read it as canapĂ©s at first, and the mental image of piss players daintily eating canapĂ©s between scenes was so much more entertaining than the mental image of piss players huddling under canopies that I stuck with my original reading.
I had a MMF threesome with my husband and a man we met on Instagram (of all places)! Everyone had a good time, and there was no awkwardness afterward. I think things went so well because, after years of reading Savage Love, we knew to âuse our wordsâ and treat our âvery special guest starâ with respect! Thanks!
My Ultimate Fantasy Fulfilled
Youâre welcome, MUFF!
Iâm a cis woman and recently came out as a lesbian after identifying as bisexual for three years. After having sexual encounters with men and women, I finally admitted to myself that I am gay. Now that Iâm finally out, I donât want to do anything that would make me feel like denying it again. My question is, am I a bad lesbian if I sleep with a guy? Iâm currently working 50 hours a week and going to school. I donât have time for a relationship, and finding casual hookups with women is difficult. A male friend I know and trust recently propositioned me. At first I said no, but now Iâm rethinking it. Sex with men doesnât compare at all to sex with women for me. On a scale of 1 to 10, itâs definitely in the below 5 range. But my mind says, âItâs still sex!â and I would enjoy it to a point. But I worry that doing this would call my sexuality into question. I feel like Iâd definitely have to hide this from my friends. And if I feel guilty enough to hide it, maybe I shouldnât do it? Finally identifying as a lesbian was like breathing out for me. I feel way more like myself and am way happier now. But I worry that even being willing to consider this makes me seem bi. I guess Iâm looking for permission and absolution. Would this make me a âbadâ lesbian? Or would it mean I should identify as bi?
Girl Asking You
Iâve often been accused of having a pro-dick-sitting bias, GAY, so I decided to recuse myself and pass your question on to a couple of lesbians.
âShe is way too concerned with labels,â said Lesbian #1. âI used to slip on a dick once every few yearsâbefore I quit drinking tequilaâand that didnât make me any less of a raging, homo-romantic dyke. And if her friends give that much of a fuck about who she bones, she needs friends with more interesting hobbies.â
âI donât think there is anything wrong with her or any lesbian wanting to sleep with a guy,â said Lesbian #2. âI wouldnât sleep with a guy, but I do agree that women trying to casually hook up with other women is much more difficult than men with men or even men with women. Women instantly want to be your long-term partner after one hookupâthe U-Haul jokes are fucking real. But if identifying as something is important to her, I think identifying as queer might be a better option for now rather than struggling to figure out if she is only bi or only lesbian and only those forever.â