When I started dating my husband, he told me he had a low libido. I said I could deal with that. We waited several months before having sex, and then after we started, it was infrequent and impersonal. There was some slow improvement over the three years we dated. Then we got married, and suddenly he had no libido at all. He blamed health problems and assured me he was trying to address them. Despite being diagnosed and successfully treated for multiple physical and mental health issues over time, things only got worse. After four years of marriage, the relationship has become strictly platonic. I canât even start a conversation about intimacy without him getting irritated. After we married, he also decided he no longer wanted children, and I eventually convinced myself it was probably for the best, given his health. We built our dream home, adopted a pet, and...
Indecisively Married Dame On Nearing Exit
Hereâs something Iâve never seen in my inbox: a letter from someone explaining how sex with their partner was infrequent, impersonal, uninspired, unimaginative, etc. at first butâholy molyâthe sex got a fuck of a lot better after the wedding! Now, maybe that happensâmaybe that happened for you, dear reader (if so, please write in)âbut I canât imagine it happens often. So, boys and girls and enbies, if the sex isnât good at or very near the beginning, the passage of time and/or muttering of vows isnât going to fix it. If sex is important to youâif you wouldnât be content in a companionate marriage and/or donât want to wind up in divorce court one dayâhold out for someone with whom you click sexually.
Okay, IMDONE, either your husband married you under false pretensesâputting out/in just enough to convince you to marry him and only pretending to want kidsâor his good-faith efforts to resolve his health issues didnât help (at least where sex is concerned) and he changed his mind about being a dad (perhaps because he doesnât feel healthy enough to do the work of parenting). Either way, youâre free to go. Even if the sex was good, and your husband wanted 30 kids, youâd still be free to go.
Whether or not you stay, IMDONE, you should explore your options before making up your mind. So go ahead and call your ex and ask him if heâd like to get coffee with youâin a public place and shortly before an appointment you canât cancel. Your ex may have been hinting about wanting to get back together, or he may not want to get back together and was engaged in what he thought was a little harmless/nostalgic flirtationâharmless because he knows youâre married, and presumably unavailable. Thereâs only one way to find out what your ex wants or doesnât want, and thatâs by asking your ex. So ask.
And while that convo could be regarded as pre-cheating or cheating-prep or even cheating-adjacent, it isnât cheating. You married someone who unilaterally changed the terms and conditions of your marriageâno sex, no kidsâand you have an absolute right to think through your options. And a husband who wonât even discuss intimacy with you canât ask you to refrain from contemplating or even discussing intimacy with one of those options.
Whether you have that convo with your ex or not, IMDONE, you need to ask yourself if you want to stay in this marriage. Youâre only 30 and you wanted and still want kids. Ex-boyfriend or no ex-boyfriend, you can leave your husbandâand you can leave him without abandoning him. You can still be there for him emotionally, you can offer what help you can financially, and you can help him secure health insurance.
Finally, IMDONE, you frame your choice as the husband or the exâone or the otherâbut there is another option. Itâs the longest of long shots, I realize, but Iâm going to toss it out there anyway: one or the other or both. Your husband would have to agree to an open relationship, and your ex-boyfriendâif, again, heâs interested at allâwould have to agree to it, too. Good luck.
You ran a letter about a gay man (âSamâ) who has been sucking off his straight friend. Sam said heâs never done this before and isnât turned on by the idea of âservicing straight guys.â I am a gay man who enjoys sucking off straight guys and I wanted to share my perspective. Iâm not trying to âconvertâ them. I simply find that straight guys have less emotional baggage than most gay guys. A guyâs dick is his proudest possession. They like to have them admired, especially the straight guys who donât often get much feedback about their dicks from women. Iâm very skilled, so itâs a thrill for me to give a guy a lot of pleasure. I like doing things that make other folks happy, and sucking dick is something thatâs appreciated. One guy Iâve known for about 20 years, and after many years apart, he is wanting to see me again. I donât want a relationship; I donât want to have to think about two people and have to adjust my plans. Itâs hard enough to plan for just me. I prefer the friendship and the occasional dick sucking. They can always trust me to be straightforward with them. I will never take advantage of them, even when they get drunk. I like pleasing them and having their trust. And for the big question everybody asks: âDo you get lonely?â No, I donât. I have all kinds of friends and lots of interests and hobbies. And from time to time, I get to suck a guyâs dick.
Whatever Acronym Works
Like most gay guys, WAW, youâve got some baggage there of your own. You donât want a relationshipâand, hey, thatâs fine! Not everyone wants to pair or triple or quad off, and not everyone has to want that. But youâre seeking out straight guys not because they have less baggage on average than gay guys (they donât), but because straight guys wonât be interested in you romantically, and consequently wonât demand a commitment from you or ask you to prioritize their needs and feelings the way a boyfriend would. So itâs not that you and all the straight guys youâre sucking off are baggage-free, WAW, itâs that your baggage fits so neatly inside theirs that you can momentarily forget youâve got any at all.