Iâm a 20-year-old submissive woman. Iâm currently in a confusing affair with a 50-year-old dominant married man. He lives in Europe and has two kids close to my age. We met online when I was 17 and starting to explore my BDSM desiresâout of the reach of my overbearing, sex-shaming, disastrously religious parentsâand weâve been texting daily ever since. Weâve since met in different countries and spent a total of three weeks together. Those weeks were amazing, both sexually and emotionally, and he says he loves me. (Some will assume, because of the age difference, that he âgroomedâ me. He did not.) I date vanilla boys my age, with his full support, while we continue to text daily. I donât know what to do. I donât want to blow up his family if (or when) our affair is discovered. But at the same time, our relationship has really helped me...
Things Must Improve
He is not going to leave his wife for you, and you shouldnât assume his wife is going to leave him if (or when) this affair is discovered (or exposed). Divorce may be the default setting in the United States in the wake of an affair, TMI, but Europeans take a much more, well, European attitude toward infidelity. Definitely not cricket, not necessarily fatal.
And you donât need him to leave his wife for you, TMI. Okay, okayâyouâre in love, and the three weeks youâve managed to spend together were amazing. But donât fall into the trap of believing a romantic relationship requires a tidy ending; film, television, and literature beat it into our heads that romantic relationships end either happily at the altar (Ă la Pride and Prejudice) or tragically at the morgue (Ă la Forensic Files). But romantic relationships take many forms, TMI, as does romantic success. And this relationship, such as it is, this relationship as-is, sounds like an ongoing success.
In other words, TMI, I think youâre confused about this relationship because there wonât be a resolution that fits into a familiar mold. But you donât need a resolution: You can continue to text with him, and he can continue to provide you with his advice and support while you continue to date single, available, and kinky men (no more vanilla boys!) closer to your own age and/or on your own continent. Eventually youâll meet a new guy youâre crazy aboutâsomeone you can see for more than one week a yearâand youâll feel less dependent on and connected to your old flame.
While on vacation, I went for a full body massage. The first half of the massageâme on my stomachâwas great. When the masseuse asked me to flip on my back, things took a turn. She uncovered one of my legs and began massaging my thigh. As she worked on my inner thigh, her finger grazed my scrotum. Then it happened again. And again. She was working on my thigh, but it felt like I was getting my balls caressed. I began to worry I was getting a visible erection. Then I started to panic when I felt like I might actually come. (I have always had issues with premature ejaculation.) I tried hard to clamp down and think about baseball and senior citizens, but I wound up having an orgasm. She eventually moved to my arms, shoulders, etc., but meanwhile Iâm lying there with jizz cooling on myself. Am I guilty of #metoo bad behavior? Should I have said something or asked her to stop? Is it possible she didnât have any clue? (My penis was never uncovered and I didnât create an obvious wet spot on the sheet.) I tipped her extra, just in case she was mortified, though I didnât get the sense she was because nothing changed after I came in terms of her massaging me. (She didnât hurry away from my legs or rush to finish my massage.) I still feel really weird about the whole thing. I get massages frequently, this has never happened before, and I certainly didnât go into it looking for this result.
Lost Opportunity At De-escalation
If it all went down as you described, LOAD, you arenât guilty of â#metoo bad behavior.â Itâs not uncommon for people to become unintentionally aroused during a nonerotic massage; itâs more noticeable when it happens to men, of course, but it happens to women, too. âErections do happen,â a masseuse told me when I ran your letter past her. âSo long as guys donât suddenly ask for a âhappy ending,â expose themselves, orâGod help meâattempt to take my hand and place it on their erection, they havenât done anything wrong.â
Since this hasnât happened to you before, LOAD, I donât think you should waste too much time worrying about it happening again. But if youâre concerned this one massage created a powerful erotic association and youâre likely to blow a load the next time a masseuse so much as looks at one of your thighs, go ahead and have a quick wank before your appointment.
Living my truth permits others in my fairly conservative circlesâChristian family struggling to accept a gay son, colleagues in a traditionally masculine fieldâto accept gay/other/different folks. I identify as a bottom, and until recently I thought I had erectile dysfunction because I would literally go soft at the thought of topping another man. I should mention that Iâm black in the Pacific Northwest, so there is this odd âBBCâ fixation and an expectation from many guys that I will top. However, I am usually very submissive and drawn to hypermasculine, dominant guys. But I recently noticed an attraction to married guysâspecifically, submissive bottom masculine/muscular married guys who like to wear lingerie. I met a few and became this dominant guy who fit the stereotype most guys expect when they see me online or in person. Now Iâm very confused. I tried topping recently, because a married guy begged me to. He said, âYouâll never know if you like it until you try it!â Which is the same thing my traditional uncles have said to me about women. My life would be so much easier if I just married a woman! So this sudden turn from bottom to top is troubling me. I donât think it is possible to turn straight, but I didnât think I was a top until a few weeks ago. So am I capable of turning straight? That would validate everything my homophobic family members have said. Iâm repulsed by vaginas but fascinated by boobs. Have you seen/heard of things like this?
Praying The Straight Away
If youâre a regular reader, PTSA, youâve seen letters in this space from straight-identified guys into cock. Many of these guys have described themselves as being fascinated by cock but repulsed by men; some of these guys seek out sex with trans women whoâve kept their dicks. Your thing for hot guys in lingerie and your thing for boobs might be the gay flip of this erotic scriptâboobs fascinate you, but youâre not into the genitalia most women have. Muscular guys in lingerie turn you onâbig pecs can fill out a lacy bra just as alluringly as big boobsâand itâs possible you might enjoy being with a trans woman who got boobs but kept her dick.
All that said, PTSA, discovering after years of bottoming that you enjoy topping certain types of menâmasculine/muscular married guys who beg for your dick while wearing lingerieâdoesnât mean youâre âcapableâ of turning straight. Going from bottom to versatile isnât the same thing as going from men to women. And being fascinated by a body part that typically comes attached to people, i.e., women, who fall outside your usual âerotic target interest,â as the sex researchers say, isnât a sign that your uncles were right all along.
In short, PTSA, you arenât potentially straightâyouâre gay and a little more complicated, interesting, and expansive than you realized at first.
P.S. On behalf of all the dudes who have objectified you with this âBBCâ stuff and made you feel anything other than proud to be primarily a bottom, please accept my apology.