I keep running into the same issue with my best friend of five years. (Sheâs also my maid of honor at my upcoming wedding.) Weâre both empathsâmost of my friends areâand weâre both in therapy working on how to cope with that. I have severe anxiety that impacts my physical health, so one of the empath-related issues Iâm working on is not following through with plans when I need to take time alone. My friend claims she understands this but my actions severely impact her mood. Example: Weâll make tentative plans to get together, Iâll feel too sick to follow through, and then sheâs in a negative emotional spiral for days. The final straw came when she called me late this past Friday nightâjust once, with no subsequent voicemail, text message, or follow-up call. On Monday morning, I sent her a text message asking how her weekend was and...
Emotions Making Personal Affection Too Hard
Being so attuned to other peopleâs emotional states that you feel their painâbeing an empathâsounds exhausting. But Lori Gottlieb, a psychotherapist in private practice, isnât convinced your empath superpowers are the problem here.
âEMPATHâs moods seem overly dependent on what the other person does,â said Gottlieb. âThatâs not being âan empath.â Most people are empathetic, which isnât the same as what these two are doing. Theyâre drowning in each otherâs feelings. This is what pop culture might call codependency, and what in therapy weâd call an attachment issue.â
From your letter, EMPATH, it sounds like you might be ready to detach from your friendâyou mentioned a final straw and described the relationship as not sustainableâand detaching would resolve this attachment issue.
âThis feels less like a friendship and more like a psychodrama where theyâre each playing out their respective issues,â said Gottlieb. âA friendship isnât about solving another personâs emotional issues or being the container for them. It isnât about being devastated by another personâs feelings or boundaries. It should be a mutually fulfilling relationship, not being co-therapists to each other. In a strong friendship, each person can handle her own emotions rather than relying on the friend to regulate them for her.â
Gottlieb started writing an advice column because, unlike psychotherapists, advice columnists are supposed to tell people what to do. Iâm guessing your therapist mostly asks questions and gently nudges, EMPATH, but since Gottlieb has her advice-columnist hat on today and not her psychotherapist hat, I asked her to tell you what to do.
âShe should act more like a friend than a therapist/caretaker,â said Gottlieb. âShe shouldnât treat her friend or herself as if theyâre too fragile to handle basic communication or boundaries. And they should both be working out their issues with their respective therapists, not with each other.â
And if you decide to keep this woman in your life (and your wedding party), EMPATH, youâll both have to work onâsighâyour communication skills.
âRight now, they donât seem to know how to communicate directly with each other,â said Gottlieb. âItâs either an icy text or complaining to outside parties about each other. But when it comes to how they interact with each other, theyâre so careful, as if one or both might break if they simply said, âHey, I really care about you and I know sometimes you want to talk about stuff, but sometimes it feels like too much and maybe something you can talk to your therapist about.ââ
Lori Gottliebâs new book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, is a New York Times best seller. Follow her on Twitter @LoriGottlieb1.
I will be driving to New Orleans from Toronto. Itâs almost impossible to drive from Ontario to Louisiana without stopping for fuel/food/hotel in Ohio, Georgia, or Alabama. But I want to boycott Handmaid states during my trip. Even then, I feel I have to check the news every day to see what state is next. Do you have any practical advice for me? Or should I just stay home until your democratic systems and your courts are fixed and your electoral college is abolished?
Canadian Avoids Nearing
Terrible Georgia, Ohio...
Why head south, CANTGO? Even if youâve lived in Canada all your life, you couldnât possibly have explored every corner of your beautiful country. But if you absolutely, positively must board the Titanicâexcuse me, if you must visit the United Statesâtake a hard right after you cross the border and head west instead. Enjoy Michiganâs Upper Peninsula, check out some of those lakes theyâre always talking about in Minnesota, speed through the Dakotas, Montana, and the skinniest part of Idaho, and pretty soon youâll be in Washington State, where a womanâs right to choose is enshrined in the state constitution. The summers are lovely, weâve got hiking trails that will take you to mountain lakes, and Democrats control both houses of the state legislature and the governorâs mansion, so you wonât have to check the news every day when youâre in Seattle.
CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE: Anti-choice, anti-woman, anti-sex bills have been rammed through Republican-controlled state legislatures in Ohio, Georgia, Kentucky, Missouri, Arkansas, Utah, Mississippi, and Alabama. âThe new wave of anti-abortion laws suggests that a post-Roe America wonât look like the country did before 1973, when the court case was decided,â Michelle Goldberg wrote in the New York Times. âIt will probably be worse.â If these bills are declared constitutionalâa real possibility nowâdoctors will be jailed, women who have miscarriages will be prosecuted, and many forms of birth control will be banned. If youâre as pissed off as I amâand anyone who isnât can piss right offâplease make sure you and all your friends are registered to vote so you can vote out anti-choice state legislators and governors in 2020. To be clear: Right now, abortion remains legal in all 50 states. So you donât have to wait until next November to send a âfuck youâ to red-state Republicans pushing these laws. Make a donation to an organization that helps women obtain abortions in red statesâlike the Yellowhammer Fund in Alabama (yellowhammerfund.org), Gateway Womenâs Access Fund in Missouri (gwaf.org), and Women Have Options in Ohio (womenhaveoptions.org).