I am male. A close female friend was raped by an old acquaintance of mine. I knew this guy when we were tweens, I didnāt really care for him as we got older, so it goes. It turns out that a few years ago, he raped my friend in an alcohol blackout situation. I donāt know more than that. She says she considers the encounter ānot strictly consensualā and confided that this guy didnāt react well when she tried to talk to him about it. This isnāt something sheās āoutā about. My feelings toward this guy are pretty dark. Now heās moved back to town and I see him around, and some good friends of mine who stayed in contact with him invite him to stuff. I donāt know what to say or how to act. I know I donāt want to talk to him or be his friend. I...
Angry Confidant
āI donāt like hanging out with Chuck and would appreciate it if you didnāt invite him to the party/show/bris/whatever.ā
āWhatās the issue between you guys?ā
āLook, we go a long way back, and itās not something I want to discuss. Itās just awkward for us to be in the same place.ā
Thatās the best you can do without outing your friendāwithout telling a story that isnāt yours to tellāand itās likely your mutual friends will be confused by the ask, AC, but youāll just have to be at peace with that. You could add something vague that omits identifying details (āHe did a shitty thing to a friendā), but any details you shareāhowever vagueācould result in questions being put to you that you canāt answer or are tempted to answer. Even worse, questions will be put to āChuck,ā and heāll be free to lie, minimize, or spin.
My only other piece of advice would be to follow your close female friendās lead. You describe what transpired between her and Chuck as rape, while your friend describes the encounter as ānot strictly consensual.ā Thatās a little more ambiguous. And just as this isnāt your story to tell, AC, itās not your experience to label. If your friend doesnāt describe what happened as rapeāfor whatever reasonāyou need to respect that. And does your friend want Chuck excluded from social events hosted by mutual friends or is she able to tolerate his presence? If itās the latter, do the same. If sheās not making an issue of Chuck being at a party, you may not be doing her any favors by making an issue of his presence yourself.
If youāre worried your friend tolerates Chuckās presence to avoid conflict and that being in the same space with him actually upsets her (or that the prospect of being in the same space with him keeps her from those spaces), discuss that with her one-on-one and then determineābased on her feelings and her askāwhat, if anything, you can do to advocate for her effectively without white-knighting her or making this not-strictly-consensual-and-quite-possibly-rapey thing Chuck did to her all about you and your feelings.
Itās really too bad Chuck reacted badly when your friend tried to talk to him about that night. If heās an otherwise decent person who has a hard time reading people when heās drunk, he needs to be made aware of that and drink less or not drink at all. If heās a shitty person who takes advantage of other people when theyāre drunk, he needs to know there will be social and potentially legal consequences for his behavior. The feedback your friend offered this guyāthe way she tried to hold him accountableācould have prevented him from either fucking up like this again (if heās a decent but dense guy) or taking advantage like this again (if heās a shitty and rapey guy). If he was willing to listen, which he wasnāt. And since he wasnāt willing to listen... yeah, my money is on shitty and rapey, not decent but dense.
Iām a single straight man. A friend recently told me her 20-year marriage hasnāt included sex for the past six years. Kids, stress, etc. I offered to have sex with her, but only if her husband approves. If I were her husband, I would want to know. But I think itās unlikely her husband would approve our coital encounter. Have I done wrong?
Married Asshole Refuses Intercourse To Affectionate Lady
If discreetly getting sex outside her marriage allows your friend to stay married and stay sane, and if she doesnāt get caught, and if the sexual connection with her husband should revive after their kids are olderāa lot of ifs, I realizeāthen the condition you set could result in your friend and her husband getting divorced now, which would preclude the possibility of their sexual connection reviving later. (Although we shouldnāt assume that sex has to be part of a marriage for it to be loving and valid. Companionate marriages are valid marriages.) That said, your friend is free to fuck some other guy if she doesnāt like your terms. Finally, MARITAL, unless youāre brainstorming names for a My Chemical Romance cover band, thereās really no reason to use the phrase āour coital encounter.ā
Iām a straight 45-year-old man. Good-looking. Three college degrees and one criminal conviction. Twice divorced. Iāve had some intense relationships with women I met by chanceāone knocked on my door looking to borrow an eggāso I know I can impress women. But online dating doesnāt work for me because Iām only five foot seven. Most women online filter me out based on height. The other problem is that Iām extremely depressed. Iām trying to work on the depression (seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist), but the medications donāt seem to do much for me. This is probably due to my alcoholism. Iād love to start my online profile by boldly proclaiming my height and my disdain for shallow women who disregard me for it, but that would come across as bitter, right?
Serious Heartbreak Over Relationship Travails
There are plenty of five-foot-tall women out there, SHORT, women youād tower over. But there are very few women who would respond positivelyāor at allāto a man whose online dating profile dripped with contempt for women who donāt want to fuck him. Rejection sucks, I know, but allowing yourself to succumb to bitterness only guarantees more rejection. And first things first: Keep working on your depression with your mental-health team and please consider giving up alcohol. (Iām sure youāve already considered it. Reconsider it.) No one is looking for perfection in a partnerāand no one can offer perfectionābut if dating you is likely to make someoneās life harder, SHORT, they arenāt going to want to date you. So get yourself into good working order and then start looking for a partner. And since you know you have better luck when you meet people face-to-face, donāt spend all your time on dating apps. Instead, find things you like to do and go do them. Maybe you can pick a presidential candidate you likeāone who supports coverage for mental-health care?āand volunteer on their campaign.