My boyfriend and I were having relationship issues until we tried something new: pegging. He wanted to try it, but he was afraid and sometimes said the idea disgusted him. Then we tried it, and it was better than normal vanilla or even kinky bondage sex. It was the most emotionally connected sex weâve ever had. I actually pegged him three times in 24 hours. He says now he wants to be âthe girlâ in our relationship. He doesnât want to transition to become a girl, but to be more âthe girlâ sexually and emotionally. I see this as sexy and loving. Iâve always taken care of him in a nurturing way, but this adds so much more. I feel bad about sending this long story just to ask a simple question, but... how do I be more âthe guyâ for my boyfriend who wants to be more âthe girlâ?...
The Boyfriend Experience
âItâs amazing these two found each other,â said Key Barrett, a trained anthropologist. âThey communicate and obviously create spaces to be vulnerable together and explore.â
Barrett has studied female-led relationships (FLR) and written booksâfiction and nonfictionâabout them, TBE, and his first concern was your boyfriend succumbing to âsub-frenzy,â or a burning desire to realize all his fantasies at once. You guys arenât new to kinkâyou mention bondageâbut youâve found something that taps into some deep-seated desires, and you donât want to move too fast. âPegging opened up a huge box of shiny new emotions and feelings,â said Barrett. âThatâs great, but they should take it slow, especially if they want this dynamic to be a part of the day-to-day relationship.â
You also need to bear in mind that pegging, while wonderful, wonât solve your underlying (and unspecified) ârelationship issues.â Unless, of course, the issue was your boyfriend feeling anxious about asking you to peg him. If he was worried about walking back his previous comments, or worried you would judge, shame, or dump him over this, that could have been the cause of your conflict, and the peggingâby some miracleâwas the solution.
But, hey, you didnât ask about those other issuesâyou didnât even name themâso letâs focus on your actual question: you being âthe guyâ and your boyfriend being âthe girl.â
âThe boyfriend wants TBE to be âthe guyâ in the relationship to reinforce his desire to be âthe girl,ââ said Barrett, âand she seems okay with this, although she does acknowledge that this would require more than the nurturing and caretaking sheâs already shown him. Thatâs a valid concern. His desire to take the kink out of the bedroom and merge it with the day-to-day risks turning her into a kink dispenser. Thereâs also the aspect of the boyfriendâs gender stereotyping. Being dominant isnât unique to men, and being submissive isnât a âfeminineâ trait. There are a lot of alpha men in FLRs who shine in support roles for the women they trust. Female-led relationships donât rely on stereotypes. Indeed, they often flout them by relying not on stereotypical behaviors but on what is a natural dynamic for the couple. In that sense, each FLR is unique.â
While itâs possible that âI want to be the girlâ are the only words your boyfriend has to describe the dynamic that turns him on, for some men, sacrificing their âmaleâ power and privilege is an intrinsic part of the eroticism of submitting to a dominant woman. And thatâs okay, too.
âIf he legitimately wants to take on a role of supporting her and being her adoring submissive partner while thinking of that role as âfeminine,â it could work for them,â said Barrett. âHe might really enjoy supporting her decisions and being more of a domestic partner. She might enjoy the support and validation that comes from having a partner who revels in her successes and strength. This could fulfill the âcaring for him as if I were the boyfriendâ portion (what a loving a statement!) while still feeling natural for TBE.â
So how can you get started as âthe guyâ in this relationship?
âThey should, again, start small,â said Barrett. âMaybe delegate a few tasks that were âhersâ to him, and she can tell him how she wants them done,â whatever it is (dishes? laundry? cocksucking?), âas this will help ensure the outcome they both want. I would also recommend they both read about what FLRs are and arenât. FLRs are often kink-friendly, but kink is not required. And they need to remember the key word in âfemale-led relationshipâ is ârelationship.ââ
Follow Key Barrett on Twitter @KeyBarrettMSc.
Iâm a woman, and I was contacted on an app by someone claiming to be a âguydyke.â Based on their profile pictures, I was basically looking at a white, cis, masc-presenting man whoâs said he is queer but only attracted to women. And by masc-presenting, I mean I could not pick him out of a lineup of the most average of average-looking straight dudes: drab clothes, a weekâs stubble, bad haircut. Granted, nobody is obliged to announce their gender identity through clothing or grooming choices, but how is this guy not straight?
Perplexed
âI happen to be one of those âold-schoolâ lesbians, despite not actually being what most consider to be old,â said Arielle Scarcella, a popular lesbian YouTuber (youtube.com/Arielle) with more than 600,000 subscribers. âBack when I was coming out in 2005, if a male person who lived as a manâa male who lived in such a way that he was always perceived to be a manâclaimed he was a lesbian or a dyke, weâd shut them down. But in 2020, itâs only acceptable to accept everyone for what they say they are. I disagree. Part of being a lesbian, being a woman, is also cultural and societal. Itâs not simply an identity. Living in the world as a woman matters. A biological male who presents as a man and has sex only with women will never know what itâs like to be treated as a woman or a lesbian. He can identify however he likes, of course, but he will be perceived as a straight man whoâs fetishizing queer women.â
Iâm in my late 20s and genderfluid. I have a male physique, but at times I feel more feminine. I suddenly canât shake the desire to have more feminine breasts. Iâve been looking at women with C or D cups and wishing I had boobs that big. Iâve spent time looking into breast enhancement, but I live in the Midwest. Itâs not as bad as the South, but there are still plenty of people who believe violating gender norms is a sin. I guess I donât know what Iâm trying to ask other than whether this is normal.
Bro Obsessed Over Bust Size
Itâs not normalâin the literal, non-pejorative senseâfor an âassigned male at birthâ person who presents as male to want to slap large boobs on his otherwise male-presenting physique. But so what? If youâre worried about how your boobs will be received there in the Midwest, perhaps you could get yourself a pair of what drag queens call âchicken cutlets,â i.e., silicone breasts enhancers that tuck into a bra, and try wearing them out. For the record, kids, Iâm not equating being genderfluid with drag, even though many drag queens (but not all) identify as genderfluid and many genderfluid people (but not all) do drag. (I never get tired of tap-dancing my way through this minefield.) But back When I was doing drag, BOOBS, a pair of chicken cutlets artfully placed under my pecs created a pretty realistic looking set of big olâ titties. Think of chicken cutlets as a temporary, nonsurgical breast-enhancement optionâto test the locals as well as your desire to have breasts.