Iâm a cis bi woman, and I mainly have sex with people with penises. I have a really gross problem, sorry. Itâs been an issue for as long as Iâve been sexually activeâbut in the past few years, it seems to have gotten worse. If I am being penetrated vaginally, especially if itâs vigorous (which I prefer), and I orgasm, sometimes I poop accidentally. If I try to clench up to keep this from happening, it doesnât work and I canât orgasm. This used to happen once in a blue moon, only with particularly intense orgasms, but now it happens more frequently. One person Iâve been seeing really likes anal, and that makes the problem even worse. To be clear: I have no desire for poop in my sex life. Itâs gross, itâs embarrassing, and my partners do not enjoy it. Nor do I. Iâve tried going to the bathroom...
Necessary Objective: Soothe Her Intestinal Tract
âIâve absolutely heard of this before, and as NOSHIT already knows from internet searches, sheâs not alone and needs help,â said Dr. Debby Herbenick. âAnd a âbig shrugâ doesnât sound like a helpful response from a physician who youâre asking for help in figuring out a complicated and extremely under-researched and therefore tricky sexual issue.â
Dr. Herbenick is a professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of Because It Feels Good: A Womanâs Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction and numerous other books. And what youâre going to need, according to Dr. Herbenick, is a doctor whoâs actually prepared to help you. So that awkward conversation you had with your last doctor? A conversation you no doubt dreaded having? Youâre going to have to have that conversation again, NOSHIT, maybe more than once, with other doctors. I know, I know: Talking with your doctor about a sexual issueâparticularly a messy oneâis difficult. And when we finally work up the nerve to speak with a doctor about something like this and that doctor isnât helpful, our understandable desire to avoid having that conversation ever again can lead us to conclude that talking to doctors is a waste of time. But it isnât, so long as youâre talking to the right doctor.
âThe letter writer should ask her health-care provider for a referral to an urogynecologist,â said Dr. Herbenick, âespecially one who likes to get to the bottom (no pun intended) of challenging cases.â
If this happens to you at other timesâif you poop yourself when you fart or sneezeâbe sure to share that information with the specialist.
âThere are lots of tests that health-care providers can use to examine her rectal function,â said Dr. Herbenick. âThese tests can include a digital rectal exam, a sigmoidoscopy (insertion of a tiny tube with a camera to look for issues such as inflammation), an X-ray, an anal ultrasound, a colonoscopy, or other tests. In other words, there are things other than a big and completely useless shrug that can be done. And depending on what they find, they may suggest biofeedback, surgery, physical therapy/pelvic-floor exercises, supplements, and so on.â
But with all that said, NOSHIT, doctors arenât all-powerful, and some problems can only be managed and not solved.
âThe fact is, our bodies donât last forever in the ways we want them to,â said Dr. Herbenick. âAnd some research does point toward more frequent anal intercourse being associated with fecal incontinence.â (Aging, childbirth, and hormone-replacement therapy are very strongly associated with fecal incontinence.) Only a small percentage of women who regularly engaged in anal intercourse reported higher levels of fecal incontinence, NOSHIT, so if this isnât a problem for you generallyâif this is only a problem during sex due to some tragically star-crossed neural wiringâyou might want to steal a move from the squeaky clean gay bottoms out there. Instead of just âgoing to the bathroomâ before sex and hoping youâre empty, treat yourself to an anal douche to make sure youâre empty. (Alexander Cheves wrote a great guide for receptive anal intercourse, â17 Tips for Happier, Healthier Bottoming,â for the Advocate. Google it.)
âBut finding a health-care provider whoâs willing to listen to whatâs important to her in her sex life is the first step,â said Dr. Herbenick. âA sex-positive health-care providerâprobably a urogynecologist or a proctologistâwhoâs willing to hear her out can help her figure out some good ways forward. Itâs about listening to what quality of life means to her. That seems to include an active, pleasurable sex life involving vaginal and/or anal sex with orgasm, and without pooping, or at least not nearly so often.â Follow Dr. Herbenick on Twitter @DebbyHerbenick.
Iâm a 32-year-old woman married to a 45-year-old man. Weâve been together for 10 years. At the beginning of our relationship, I told him smoking was a deal breaker for me because he was a former smoker. Well, the asshole started smoking again this year. Iâm pissed about this, and it has affected my desire for him. This is complicated further by the fact that for most of our relationship, weâve had very mismatched libidos, with mine being much higher. He has always said that I could get my needs met elsewhere, as sex just wasnât that important to him. Well, last year I started exploring extramarital relationships, and now I have a boyfriend that Iâm eager to fuck. Can you guess who is now interested in fucking me? My husband, Mr. Sex Isnât Important. Turns out, heâs very into fucking me after Iâve fucked another dude. But I only want so much sex, and I donât want to fuck a smoker. I feel obligated to have sex with my husband, though. My question is, am I? He didnât feel obligated to have sex with me more than once a month for nine years, which made me feel shitty and undesirable. (Also, we have kids. Hence the marriage and why Iâm not going to leave.)
Seriously Hate Ash Mouth
You arenât obligated to have sex with your husbandâyou arenât obligated to have sex with anyone, ever. But I assume you donât want to be left any more than you want to leave, SHAM. And if you refuse to fuck your husband because he broke the deal you made a decade agoâand because youâre pissed about nine years of sexual neglect (legit grounds)âhe might decide to leave you. So while you donât have to fuck this ash-hole, you might want to fuck this ash-hole. But until he quits smoking, you could reasonably refuse to kiss him or sleep in the same room with him. (Smokers donât realize how bad it smellsâhow bad they smellâand just how thoroughly they can stink up a room, even one they never light up in.)
One follow-up question: Did your husband always know this about himselfâdid he know he was turned on by the thought of you being with other dudesâor did he realize it only after you started fucking this other dude? If he knew it all along, and his encouragement to get your âneeds met elsewhereâ was a dishonest and manipulative attempt to force his kink on you, SHAM, you have even more right to be pissed. But if he realized this turned him on only after you started fucking other dudesâif he was as surprised by how you getting a boyfriend uncorked his libido as you were both surprised and annoyed by itâyou might want to forgive him.