
I'm a 19-year-old girl who was dumped few months ago. My partner found out he didn't like my body when we were having sex for the first time and he told me right after. We were actually still in bed naked when he told me. He kept cuddling me to make me feel a bit better but it still hurt to hear. Other than slight doubts about genitals and my face (I have Asian features and having my face and living in a western country isn't always easy), I didnât go into that experience expecting to be rejected. We had talked about all the sexual stuff we wanted to do and he had previously told me I was attractive and thicc and paid me other compliments. Undressing for someone and then being rejected was devastating and I don't...
Babe Only Desires Intuitive Emotional Support
âPeople who are brutally honest generally enjoy the brutality more than the honesty.â
The late Canadian humorist and newspaper columnist Richard Needham wasnât talking about your ex-whatever-he-was when he made that observation, BODIES, but he couldâve been. Yeah, yeah: sometimes we don't realize we arenât attracted to someoneâor that we aren't attracted to them as we thought we were or that we confused friendly feelings for horny feelingsâuntil after we've slept with them. But your ex-whateverâs comments were so gratuitously cruel, BODIES, that itâs hard to avoid concluding (if I may borrow a phrase) that cruelty was the point. He couldâve and shouldâve given you a million other reasons why he didnât want to sleep with you againâthis may be one of those rare instances where ghosting wouldâve been kinder. At the very least he shouldâve given you a chance to get dressed before he let you know he wasnât interested in having sex with you again.
That your very first sex partner chose to brutalize you like thisâthat he didnât make the slightest effort to spare your feelingsâis an almost unforgivable betrayal. Unless this boy is somewhere on the spectrum and has difficultly anticipating how a direct statement might hurt another personâs feelings, BODIES, thereâs no excuse for what he did. Sticking around to cuddle after saying that shit isnât proof heâs a good person. The arsonist who sticks around to piss on your house after setting it on fire isnât being kind, BODIES, heâs warming his dick by the fire and enjoying the blaze.
Please know that being rejected by someone doesnât mean thereâs anything wrong with your body, BODIES, or with your genitals or your face or your race or your features. Swiping right on someone who didnât swipe right on you or sleeping with someone who doesnât want to sleep with you again isnât proof youâre flawed or unattractive. It just means youâre not right for that particular person, BODIES, and for reasons particular to that person. Rejection sucks and it always hurts and for that reason we should strive to be as considerate as possible when we have to reject someone. Considerate but clear, considerate but unambiguous, but always considerate. And what this guy did to youânot even letting you get dressed firstâwas as inconsiderate as possible and you have every right to be angry with him.
If you had to get a therapist after sleeping with someone, itâs a pretty good indication that person should have no place in your lifeâas a lover or a friendâgoing forward. Keep seeing your shrink, BODIES, and stop talking to this asshole.
Iâve gone through many variations of relationships, from monogamous to open. My new partner is incredibly smart, open-minded, loving, GGGâall the things, right? So, I find myself a bit perplexed and troubled by a statement she made. She was in a relationship prior to the one with me and the person she was with wanted to be free to do as he wished sexually. She told him that was âfineâ so long as he used protection and she didnât know about it. Apparently that worked so well for her that she made me the same offer after we decided to become sexually exclusive: she told me to use protection if I should ever cheat and not to tell her about it. At first I was like, âCool, but Iâm not going to cheat,â but now I find myself thinking about it. And if I do cheat I will use protection and keep it to myself, per her request. So why am I writing to you? I have a high sex drive and a history of parental neglect and abuse. I find that I seek validation from women and I have a fairly good idea that it's due to what I endured from my mother. Weâve only been seeing each other for a few months since we have been dating and I do love her. I know people often get caughtâeven with a hall passâand I donât want to lose her because of this. I want to make peace with never being with another person or with using the âhall passâ Iâve been given. How do I do that?
Hesitant About Lying Lest Partnerâs Anger Sabotages Situation
You can make all the peace you want with being monogamous, HALLPASS, but that wonât make being monogamous any easier for you.
Zooming out for a second: Your desire to have sex with more than one person might have something to do with the trauma you suffered in childhood⌠or it might not. A lot of people have high sex drives and risk-taking personalities and a desire for variety and not all of them were neglected or abused as children. But the culture encourages people who donât wanna be monogamous (thatâs a lot of people) or who find monogamy difficult (thatâs everybody else) to see themselves as damaged. And yet weâre told that monogamy is always easy for people who are emotionally healthyâwhich is a lieâand then we waste time digging through our childhood histories for something that might explain why this thing thatâs supposed to be easyâmonogamyâis so hard for us. (Spoiler: itâs hard for almost everyone.) Itâs a waste of time, HALLPASS. You can and should see a therapist to help you work through the trauma you suffered as a child, of course, but donât waste your time with a therapist who pathologizes your relatively normal desires or seeks to assign blame for them.
So what do you do about your girlfriend? How about you⌠maybe⌠talk to her?
Your new girlfriend has been pretty clearâshe doesnât care if you cheat so long as you use protection and she doesnât find out about itâbut you need additional clarity. If you were to sleep with someone else and she found out about it despite your best efforts to prevent her from finding out about it⌠what then? If finding out you used the hall pass she gave you is something she couldnât forgive, HALLPASS, then you obviously canât use it without risking the relationship. (Youâre right: people get caught.) Additionally, if thatâs really how she feels, then your girlfriend shouldnât be handing out hall passes in the first place. But if cheating is something she could tolerateâso long as protection was used and some consideration was shown for her feelings, i.e. you at least attempted to be discreet/keep it from herâthen you donât have to hand in that hall pass.
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