I'm a 34-year-old straight cis male. About eighteen months ago I met a lovely human that I'm crazy about. When we started dating, she said she needed us to be poly and I agreed. It was a first for both of us! I'd always been interestedâmy parents are queer and have been poly my whole lifeâso it wasn't a new concept to me. Early on, we went on some random dates, made out with some other people, but took it slow because we wanted to build a foundation of trust and love first. Now we're there. She recently started dating a close friend of ours. In theory, I'm good with it. I adore him and he cares about us as a couple. There's lots of communication happening in all directions. We've even tossed around the idea of some...
I'm a 34-year-old straight cis male. About eighteen months ago I met a lovely human that I'm crazy about. When we started dating, she said she needed us to be poly and I agreed. It was a first for both of us! I'd always been interestedâmy parents are queer and have been poly my whole lifeâso it wasn't a new concept to me. Early on, we went on some random dates, made out with some other people, but took it slow because we wanted to build a foundation of trust and love first. Now we're there. She recently started dating a close friend of ours. In theory, I'm good with it. I adore him and he cares about us as a couple. There's lots of communication happening in all directions. We've even tossed around the idea of some threesomes or foursomes. I can't wait for the day when I am truly stoked for this, and we can all play and love on each other. But I don't want to âovercome the jealousyâ or âdeal with it.â I want being poly to be something that makes life amazing! But I am still being restricted by silly feelings put in my head via some nefarious patriarchal capitalist hack. Any advice for moving on as quickly as possible into a polyamorous paradise? I want to feel queerer and a little less mainstream!
Seeking Polyamorous Effortless Wonders
No relationshipâclosed, open, or polyâis a paradise. Ideally a relationship brings more joy into your life than pain. (Unwanted pain; wanted pain is its own kind of joy.) But misunderstandings, disagreements, and hurt feelings are a part of every romantic partnership. And the longer that partnership goes on, the likelier the people in itâcouple, throuple, or quadâare going to face the kind of relationship-extinction-level event that requires contrition, forgiveness, and aggressive memory-holing to survive.
As for jealousyâŚ
My husband has been with his boyfriend for five years; there are times when I see them together and I am not just happy for them, SPEW, but made happy by them. (Iâm straining to avoid the term âcompersionâ here, or âthe other c-word,â as itâs known at our house.) But there are times when I feel jealous⌠and if Iâm still experiencing jealousy after 20+ years in an open relationship⌠and still experiencing jealousy after 30+ years being pretty fucking queer⌠I donât think jealousy is something you need to completely overcome before opening your relationship or that that being âqueererâ cures.
And itâs important to distinguish between different kinds of jealousy. Thereâs the healthy kind of jealousy (someone is being neglected or taken for granted, and their feelings need to be considered), thereâs the unhealthy kind of jealousy (someone is controlling and manipulative, which is a red flag for abuse), and then thereâs the sexy and energizing kind of jealousy (seeing your partner through anotherâs eyes and recognizingâor being remindedâof your partnerâs desirability). Instead of trying to expunge all feelings of jealousy from your emotional repertoire before opening your relationship (which no one does before entering into closed relationships), you need to ask yourself what kind of jealousy youâre feeling at a particular moment. If itâs the healthy kind, ask for you what you need; if itâs the unhealthy kind, get your ass into therapy; if itâs the sexy and energizing kind, enjoy the ride.
And finallyâŚ
Itâs good that youâre taking your time, because rushing things is a good way to fuck this up. But paradoxically, SPEW, if you wait until youâre no longer experiencing any jealousyâor no longer have conflicted feelings about thisâyouâll never get there.
Iâm a 36-year-old cis gay man who came out a decade ago and found widespread acceptance from friends and family, but I fear my unique situation now might change that. Last summer, my husband died unexpectedly, leaving me widowed and trying to pick up the pieces. I couldnât sleep much for a while and went online to chat. I wound up meeting this great guy who lives across the country. Heâs a sexy leather daddy, and Iâve traveled to stay with him on two occasions and had some of the hottest sex Iâve ever had. Plus, I really like him! Heâs funny, smart, deep. Hereâs my dilemma: Heâs married to another man, and I also have feelings for the husband. I plan to move there soon to see where this goes and start the next chapter of my life. (I will be getting my own apartment, at least at first.) Itâs still early, but I feel like I could fall in love with both these men. How do I pursue this and start over somewhere new while making this all understandable to the straights in my life? Is there a way to explain this to my mom and the rest of my family without freaking them out? I know it shouldnât matter, and Iâll follow my heart either way, but Iâd hate to lose this close connection with my family if they get weirded out by my dating life.
No More Mr. Heteronormative
Iâm so sorry for your loss, NMMH, and Iâm so glad you were able to find the support you needed onlineâand itâs nice to be reminded that people donât just go online to share conspiracy theories and post revenge porn. People find connection online, they find support, and sometimes they find new love in the form of a sexy leather daddy.
As for what to tell your family about your relationshipâŚ
For now, NMMH, nothing. Just like youâre getting your own apartment after you move because you want to wait and see where this relationship goes before moving in with these guys, youâre going to want to see where this relationship goes before you tell your family about these guys. This isnât about hiding things from your family, NHHM, but about waiting to roll out your new relationship if and/or when it gets serious. You most likely didnât introduce mom to your late husband after your second date; similarly, thereâs no need to introduce mom to these guys after seeing them on only two occasions.
And in my experienceâin my own highly personal and highly relevant experienceâitâs often easier for the families of gay men to accept that weâre open or poly than it is for the families of straight people. Our families have some practice letting go of expectations and prejudices. And while itâs possible your familyâs made it clear their acceptance was conditioned upon you marrying and settling down and behaving âheteronormatively,â itâs also possible youâre projecting. You want them to think youâre âone of the good ones,â i.e., one of the monogamous ones, while they couldnât care less. But even if they do care and would prefer to see you monogamously married again, they will embrace your new relationship if you make it clear you will accept nothing less from them.
My husband used to go strip clubs with friends before we were married, and Iâve heard stories about how strippers would be all over himâespecially if there werenât any women in his small group. I want to go to one with him. But I have exactly zero interest in being touched by strangers, strippers or not. I also donât want anyone touching my husband. I just want to watch. Is there some way to signal that? Do they only come over to you if they see you tip? Iâm going to tip, btw, but on the way out so no one thinks I want extra attention.
Curious About These Clubs Husband Visited
Please donât go to a strip club.
Strippers make money selling private dancesâin many strip clubs, strippers pay the club to dance. And when strippers arenât up on the stage, theyâre walking the aisles, and approaching men who might be interested in buying a private dance. Very few strippers are gonna plop themselves down on someoneâs lap (thatâs what theyâre selling; theyâre not giving that shit away for free), but itâs not uncommon for strippers to place a hand on someoneâs shoulder or lower back, lean in, and chat up a potential customer. I wouldnât describe that sort of incidental contact as being âall overâ someone, but it definitely counts as âtouching.â
So, CATCHV, if seeing your husband touched by a stripper would upset you, or if being touched by a stripper would upset you, going to a strip club with or without your husband is a very bad idea. Go to a burlesque show instead.
For the Record: Fuck Greg Abbott for what heâs doing to trans kids and their families in Texas, fuck every last Republican in Florida for what theyâre doing to LGBT kids in schools, and fuck Vladimir Putin for what heâs doing to innocent men, women, and children in Ukraine.
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