I'm a 28-year-old queer woman. Itās been a while since Iāve been in a relationship, as it was impossible for me to make a physical or emotional connection with anyone after I was raped four years ago. I finally found a very, very, very nice fella. Heās 36 years old, and pretty basic. Heās a cis white man who isnāt into anal, which is good, not too good at oral, which is bad, with a medium-to-low sex drive and an average-to-good cock. Hereās the problem: I like the warm feelings of love and lust Iām finally experiencing after a long time, but I am nevertheless unsatisfied with him. There are so many things that I feel he is lacking. We donāt share fantasies, he doesnāt take the initiative, thereās no sense of seductiveness, and the cunnilingus is underwhelming....
I'm a 28-year-old queer woman. Itās been a while since Iāve been in a relationship, as it was impossible for me to make a physicalĀ or emotional connection with anyone after I was raped four years ago. I finally found a very, very, very nice fella. Heās 36 years old, and pretty basic. Heās a cis white man who isnāt into anal, which is good, not too good at oral, which is bad, with a medium-to-low sex drive and an average-to-good cock. Hereās the problem: I like the warm feelings of love and lust Iām finally experiencing after a long time,Ā but I am nevertheless unsatisfied with him. There are so many things that I feel he is lacking. We donāt share fantasies, he doesnāt take the initiative, thereās no sense of seductiveness, and the cunnilingus is underwhelming. Iāve talked to him about it and he listens, he says he hears me, but he does not implement any of my suggestions. Instead, he tells me to focus on the things that are wonderful about our relationship rather than whatās lacking. Maybe I'm being too critical and should try to focus on the positive. Or should I leave him and go find an idealized sex God who may or may not be out there?
Idealized Dick Katharsis
P.S. My question requires a thoughtfulĀ response, not a savageĀ answer. So, maybe I should talk to myĀ psychologistĀ and not to you?
First and most importantly, Iām so sorry you were raped. Iām glad you sought professional help, IDK, and Iām happy to hear you feel ready to start making connections again after taking four years off to heal. And Iām gonna go out on a limb here to say you donāt have to choose between talking with me about this and talking to your psychologist. You can talk to both of us.
Zooming out for a second, Iāve always thought of this column (and my podcast) as a conversation Iām having with friends about our love and/or sex lives after weād had a few drinks. (Or, these days, shared an edible.) Friends are there to listen, to challenge us, and to call us on our bullshit. And friends are there to be heard, to be challenged, and to be called on their bullshit. But friends arenāt pros. When it comes to the kind of trauma experienced, ideally, we would seek help from a pro andāwhen we were ready for itāadvice from our friends.
And as your supportive friend, IDK, as your thoughtful friend, I would advise you to stop thinking forever and instead concentrate on now.
Basically, IDK, youāre looking at this guy and asking yourself, āIs he the right guy forever?ā And the answer to that question is obviously no. If you were with this guy foreverāif you married a guy who wasnāt that great in bed and refused to listen to feedback and make changesāyou would be unhappy in the long run. Youād never get to act on those fantasies, youād never get seduced the way want, youāll never get ate the way you want. But if instead of asking yourself, āIs he the right guy forever?ā, you were to ask yourself, āIs he right guy for now?ā, the answer might be different.
You had a traumatic experience four years ago and havenāt dated anyone since. Easing back into sex, dating, and relationships with a nice fella who isnāt great but isnāt awfulā¦ yeah, that might be just what you need. Not forever, IDK, for now.
So, donāt move in with this guy, donāt make any promises, and donāt stay in this relationship one minute longer than you want to. When youāre ready to end itāwhen youāre ready to go searching for an idealized sex Godāthen you can and should end it. Youāre not going to have a successful long-term relationship with this guy, IDK, but you could have a successful short-term relationship with him.
Welcome back to sex and dating, take care of yourself, and feel free to write me anytime.
Iām a 32-year-old poly woman in Canada. Last spring and summer I worked a contract job a few hours away from where I live, and I was hooking up with one of my co-workers who is a 40-year-old poly man. Heās great and we had great sex. When I started to have more romantic feelings for him, he made it clear that he was polysaturated and didnāt want to be in a relationship with me. Now that winter is ending, Iām about to go back and start working near him again. I talked to him recently, and he is eager to keep hooking up, but he made it clearāagaināthat he doesn't want more than that. I feel conflicted because while I really want to keep having sex with this guy, Iām scared of getting hurt. Even if I go in with the intention of having casual sex, thereās a chance I might fall in love with him, and he has made it clear that he doesnāt want to be with me. Do you have any suggestions for how I can enjoy this guy and the great sex without getting too attached?
Constantly Amazing Sex, Unwilling About Love
Nope.
Catching feelings for someone isnāt a conscious choice we make, CASUAL, and typically by the time we start worrying we might be catching feelings for someoneā¦ itās too late. Feelings have already been caught. The only thing we can do if weāre worried that we might catch feelings for someone or have already caught feelings for someone is to stop seeing that person, CASUAL, in the hopes that their absence (or someone elseās presence) will make those feelings go away. But if the sex is great and the risk of heartbreak is worth it, no one would blame you for continuing to fuck this polysaturated guy. (Funny he can find the time to fuck you on the regular, but doesnāt have the bandwidth to date you, not even a little bit.) But go in with your eyes open: if you keep fucking this guy, CASUAL, youāre gonna get more and more attached to him, youāre gonna catch more and more feelings, and then wind up getting hurt in the end.
I enjoy your column and I think your advice is usually spot-on; however, your advice to TITE last weekāthe man who wanted to end things with his FWBāwas not good. You encouraged TITE to lie to their fuck buddy by saying that their partner wants to close things up. Thatās terrible advice. Not the lying, Dan, but the blaming it on the partner. First of all, that lie makes the partner the villain even though they had no part in this, so TITE is lying to one person and lying about another! Second, it's just setting everyone up to get bitten in the assāand not in the good way. Suppose TITE is out some time with someone other than his partner and his former fuck buddy happens to see him? I get wanting to spare someone's feelings, but at some point we have to take responsibility for our relationship, including the ending of them. Using, "Oh, my partner wants to close things up,ā is the ENM version of a woman saying, "I have a boyfriend," to get some guy to stop harassing her (except that in that case it is sometimes necessary for safety). Now, if TITE wants to get their partner's permission to use them as an excuse, at least then they're not lying to two people. But really, isn't a better solution to have clear and honest communication and treat everyone as an adult?
Communicate Honestly And Tactfully
They canāt all be winners. So, to you and everyone else who wrote to tell me my advice for TITE was off the mark, CHAT, I wanna say: you guys were right, I was wrong. Thanks for calling me on my bullshit, friends.
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