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Iâm a woman in a hetero marriage. Weâve happily played with others a bit but not recently because we have a small child. We are both bi and in our 40s. We talked about getting the monkeypox vaccine, but I didnât think it was urgent because weâre not...
Dear âSavage Loveâ Readers: After November 14 my website Savage.Love will become the exclusive online home for my column. My column will still appear in print in some publications, but you will no longer be able to read the column online anywhere other than Savage.Love. This move will allow me to continue bringing you new columnsânew questions, new answersâevery week. I hope you will check out Savage.Love, where you can join the community of âSavage Loveâ readers and enjoy my latest columns, decades (!) of âSavage Loveâ archives, the âSavage Lovecastâ podcast, and much more. Â Â â Dan
Iâm a woman in a hetero marriage. Weâve happily played with others a bit but not recently because we have a small child. We are both bi and in our 40s. We talked about getting the monkeypox vaccine, but I didnât think it was urgent because weâre not currently having sex with anyone else. Hereâs my question: What should I do after learning that my husband got the monkeypox vaccine without telling me? I noticed a red bump on his arm, and he said it was nothing. After I said it looked like the monkeypox vax reaction, he admitted he got the vaccine but didnât tell me. I was in favor of him getting the vaccine, so Iâm totally panicking because he sneaked to get the shot. I think heâs cheating. Itâs 2 AM where I am, and I just ordered two at-home HIV/AIDS tests and Iâm getting a full STI panel at my OB GYN on Monday. What should I do? Iâm a wreck.
Seriously Panicking Over Unapproved Shot And Lies
By the time you read this, SPOUSAL, those at-home HIV/AIDS tests will have arrived, and you will have your results. Youâll also have seen your OB GYN and most likely gotten the results of your STI tests. Assuming there were no unpleasant surprisesâassuming youâre still negative for all the same things you were negative for the last time you testedâwhat does that mean?
While I donât wanna cause you another sleepless night, SPOUSAL, your test results can all be negative and your husband could still be cheating on you. But in the absence of other evidenceâin the absence of any actual evidence that your husband has cheated on youâI think your husband deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Getting the monkeypox vaccine is the only fact in evidence here, SPOUSAL, and itâs a huge leap from, âMy husband got the monkeypox vaccine without telling me,â and, âMy husband has been cheating on me with other men during a public health crisis that has primarily impacted gay and bi men and wasnât using condoms with those other men and knowingly put me at risk of contracting monkeypox and HIV.â If your husband has a history of being reckless about his own sexual health and yoursâif he tried to go bare without your consent when you played with other people, for example, and that incident and others like it fueled your freakoutâI donât understand why youâre still married to this man.
Zooming out for a second...
I can think of a few very good reasons why a married bi guy might decide to get the monkeypox vaccine even if his partner wanted him to wait. First, those shots havenât been easy to get. If the vaccine became available where you live and/or his doctor offered it to him, it was a good idea for him to get his shots even if heâs not currently sleeping with anyone else. And why would his partnerâwhy would youâwant him to wait? If you didnât want him to get those shots as some sort of insurance policy, e.g., if you wanted cheating to be needlessly and avoidably risky as some sort of deterrent, that seems pretty reckless.
Sometimes, SPOUSAL, the likely excuse is the honest answer. Iâm guessing your husband got his shots because he hopes youâthe both of youâcan start playing with others again in the near future and he wants to be ready. Guys have to wait a month after getting their first shot before getting their second shot, and another two weeks after that before theyâre fully immune. (Or as immune as theyâre going to get.) If your husband has been looking forward to opening your relationship back upâby mutual consentâsometime in the near future, he most likely wanted to be ready to go when you decided, together, to resume playing with others. And he didnât tell you he was getting the shots because, although he wanted to be ready to go when the time came, he knew you werenât ready and didnât want you to feel rushed or pressured.
My analysis of the situation presumes your husband isnât a lying, cheating, inconsiderate, reckless asshole and deserves the benefit of the doubt here. You know your husband better than I do, SPOUSAL, and itâs entirely possible that your husband has proven himself to be a liar and a cheat and an inconsiderate asshole and a reckless idiot again and again and again.
But if thatâs the caseâif heâs all of those horrible, no-good, disqualifying things and, therefore, not deserving the benefit of the doubt hereâI would ask you again (and again and again): Why are you still married to him then?
I need advice as to how to restart the âsex with othersâ part of my life because cancer surgery left me without erections, and it is not fixable. I can have intense orgasms if I masturbate or get oral sex on my flaccid penis. I am a 73-year-old male, and I have been into kink since I was a teen, so I understand that there is much more than PIV that can give one pleasure. I also understand that for the vast majority of people, PIV is what sex is about. People come on to me often, so I have no problem attracting people. What is your advice as to how to present this issue when someone shows interest in me? With online dating, I would like to be upfront and put it in my profile, but Iâm a public figure and canât just post a picture of myself in a dating app and disclose this. Do you have any suggestions about dating online where I can omit putting my picture? Iâm attracted to females, cis and trans. I have never been with a transgender woman, but after surviving cancer I am more open to everything now than I was before. (Seeing the end of life up close really removes a lot of blocks.) I am not attracted to males at all. What word best to describes my sexual likes?
Giving But Not Hard
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