I’m a gay man and I’ve recently started seeing a guy in an open relationship. He’s intelligent, funny, and sexy. He told me early on that his partner is a Dom top, into kink (leather, latex, etc.), that his partner has caged boys, and so on. Moreover, with his partner he’s a “bratty sub,” meaning he engages in erotic disobedience and defiance. I was indifferent to this initially, but I have begun to become aware of his partner's presence in a way I don’t like, even though I’ve never met the guy. I also find myself feeling resentful and jealous of the idea of him being told what to do, held back, or controlled. (The sex we have is hot, intimate, and intense, as well as completely vanilla.) I know his relationship with his partner is none of my business, but if he truly is a bratty sub, and his...

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...partner is a “tamer,” am I just a pawn in their games? Is the intimacy we share in the service of his primary D/s relationship? I like this guy and wish I could be with him but that’s not possible because he and his partner are engaged. I’m okay with that. But I can’t stand the idea of our connection being incorporated into an erotic game he’s playing with his partner. I don’t want to be conscripted into their power exchange. I welcome your advice.

Neither Brat Nor Tamer

Let’s call the guy you’re hooking up with “Brat” and call his fiancé “Dom.” Worst-case scenario, NBNT, Brat goes home and tells Dom everything you’ve been doing together, presumably in a very bratty way, and then Dom punishes Brat for being a slutty brat. If that’s what they’re doing—and we don’t know if that’s what they’re doing—then, yeah, I guess the vanilla sex you’re having with Brat is being “incorporated” into the erotic power-exchange games Brat and Dom play together. You could ask Brat not to tell Dom anything about the time he spends with you, NBNT, but you ultimately can’t control what Brat does or says when he’s alone with Dom… and them telling each other everything might be a condition of their open relationship… and you attempting to control what Brat says to Dom when they’re alone while at the same time objecting to the control Dom has over Brat is a little hypocritical.

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