I’m the other woman in a non-ethical, non-monogamous marriage. His wife doesn’t know. I think my lover’s wife married him to have a family and because they got along well. When I met my lover five years ago, he talked about how he had a platonic marriage, and his wife was his best friend. He had every reason to expect a sexless marriage, and until recently she refused to see a counselor. They started therapy and are now having “scheduled sex.” When he told me that my first question was, “Is your therapist a man?” Sure enough, he is. I cautioned against this approach but didn’t call it what I think it is: consensual rape. He and I are not having sex now, as I had to draw a line: If she was putting forth such an effort, I would not do anything to undermine her.

I know what it is like to have sex with someone I don’t want to. Thanks to Brett Kavanaugh, I came to realize that my first time at age 16 was rape. It was a boy I’d met at a party a few weeks before, I thought he was cute, and I wasn’t afraid when he walked into my room. (We were at boarding school.) As my therapist says, I was expecting adolescent smooching and was raped in my bathroom instead. It never occurred to me to tell anyone because I knew I’d get in trouble, and I never thought of it as rape. After that I had indiscriminate sex, often in bathrooms in a drunken stupor. I didn’t have sober sex until my early 30s.

After getting therapy in the wake of Brett Kavanaugh being confirmed to the Supreme Court, I’ve come to realize I’ve never allowed anyone to love me. Surprisingly, I fell in love with my lover. Why I seem to feel this way about him baffles me. Until him, I thought sexting was stupid. I was wrong, it is exhilarating and exciting. When I see a text coming in from him, a wonderful warmth courses through my body and I feel loved. I’ve never felt this way before. I haven’t had much of a love life so I’m not sure I know what love feels like but this sure feels nice. He says he feels a similar excitement, melt is the word he uses, when I text him, but he is emotionally unavailable because he “loves the wife who won’t blow him.” My lover actually loves his wife and the only reason I got into the relationship is that I don’t think she loves him erotically.

My lover is in the same situation as your reader TEARS: trapped in a sexless marriage. It was actually your response to TEARS that prompted this letter. From the outside they look like a lovely, happy family and he wants to keep his family whole. I am conflicted. I love him, I don’t think she does loves him, and I know he loves her. What kind of love triangle is this? He says he just wants someone who wants to have sex with him. They’ve been married less than 10 years and have three young children. I am older than he is.

So, what is my point in writing you? I wanted your readers to hear from “the other woman.” Also, in your experience, has scheduled sex ever helped a sexless marriage?

The Other One

P.S. Stop the presses! I sent my lover the link to your column with your advice for TEARS, and he asked his wife about an open marriage. He said she “cried bitterly.” At first, I felt sympathy for both of them, but then it occurred to me that she might be manipulating him. I am now thinking about starting things back with my lover physically. I’d love to hear what you think.

If you wanna start fucking this dude again, TOO, you can fuck this dude again without...

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