I am a 34-year-old gay man who immigrated to Canada from a Latin American country a few years ago. I immigrated with my husband of eight years. Throughout our relationship we had been monogamous, and we never questioned it. (Perhaps due to our Catholic religious backgrounds?) However, the sex was never great. Not even at the beginning. But he was kind, good looking, and caring. So, I fell for him. I was always clear at the beginning that I was versatile, and he said he was, too. But after a few weeks I assumed the bottom role, and I never felt like I could make any demands on him. In fact, I’ve never even asked a blowjob. (And I did not get one for seven years, even as I gave him plenty!) Also, we had sex once every two weeks or so, and only when he wanted to. Always in the dark, and always in the same position. I know I am at fault for not asking for what I needed.

About year ago, I got on Grindr without my husband knowing. I met a man and his husband. Their relationship was open, and they invited me over. After that one threesome, we decided to just be friends and we even hung out as couples with my husband, everyone pretending that nothing had happened. But I started to develop feelings for the person I originally connected with on Grindr. We continued to have mind-blowing sex, just the two of us now. Four months later, both our partners discovered our affair. The other couple decided to divorce, but my husband and I decided to work through it. But the affair continued and my feelings for this other person only continued to grow.

My husband is not willing to be more sexual, he is not willing to allow me to top him, he will not go down on me, and he refuses let me have sex elsewhere. I have been patient and mindful of his needs and struggles, but he gets annoyed each time I talk about this or ask him to read a book about open relationships. He accuses me of only caring for myself and the things that I want. He has agreed to talk to a therapist about the possibility of being open, but I don’t know how much longer I should wait. On the other hand, the person with whom I am still having an affair wants me to live with him. Sometimes I want that, sometimes I don’t. He has a young child, and I had never thought about being any sort of parent.

Should I stay in my marriage and be patient with my husband since sex is the only thing that does not work between us? Or should I simply go be with this new person?

Staying Over Straying

Don’t drag this out.

You’ve already opened your marriage, SOS, and you have no intention of closing it again. You’re still fucking the other man. While you don’t explicitly state that your husband is unaware the affair continues, the fact that you still describe it as an affair suggests your husband doesn’t know.

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