I’m a cishet woman, married twenty years, three kids at home. My marriage is generally happy but it’s also sexless. Being “companionate” was his decision, not mine. The absence of sex is driving me crazy, so my husband has given me his blessing to get sex elsewhere. It's tricky, though, as it’s hard for me to be sexually attracted to someone without feeling a special connection. I've tried the apps, but the thought of discussing the mechanics of sex with someone I’ve just me on Hinge or Bumble or whatever leaves me cold.

The thing is, I periodically develop crushes on male colleagues. I work in a project-based industry where everyone works on three-to-four-month contracts. We come together, work hard, get to know each other quickly, and then head off to new jobs. So, fucking someone I met at work feels like the perfect solution. And there is currently a guy at work that I’m having the most intense flirtation with. The flirting is off the charts and it's driving me insane. But he’s happily married with a child at home. So, how do I find out if he wants the same thing I do? I get the impression he desires me as much as I do him, but this doesn't mean he wants to have sex with me. I also don't want to cause drama or accidentally blow his life up. I just want to have sex with him. There must be other people out there in sexless marriages or open marriages who have hall passes like mine but how do I find out if he is one of them? Do I have to ask? Can you give me a script? I don't want to offend him or make things awkward, even if the awkwardness only lasts the few weeks until the end of our contracts. I would also hate to be accused of inappropriate workplace behavior. What can I do?

Workmate Only Wonderland

On the one hand… your workplace crush could be flirting with you because you’re a married woman with a husband and kids at home and he assumes your marriage is monogamous — most straight marriages are — and regards flirting with you as harmless because 1. he hasn’t been paying attention to evolving standards of workplace conduct and 2. he doesn’t think there could be any repercussions, personal or professional, because [see 1] and you’re a married woman, WOW, and so nothing sexual and/or dramatic and/or actionable can happen. On the other hand… your workplace crush could be flirting with you because he wants to fuck you and he may even have his wife’s okay to fuck other people — he may, like you, have the hall pass he needs — but he’s kept the flirting within the zone of plausible deniability because 1. he actually has paying attention to evolving standards of workplace conduct and 2. he doesn’t know if you’re allowed to fuck other people and doesn’t want to cause drama or accidentally blow your life up.

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