Question about genders and dating apps which I will try to keep brief. I am a 45-year-old married cis male. After more than a decade of dipping in and out of the swinging lifestyle, my wife and I have decided to open up to dating other people. I’m trying to catch up with the language of dating apps. I would like to express that I am open to dating people of various genders and orientations so long as they don’t have a penis. I am attracted to lots of different kinds of people along the masc/femme continuum, but I know from personal experience that I’m not interested in D. “Looking for people AFAB” was suggested by a friend, but that doesn’t seem very nice to me. Any suggestions on how to convey this in a way that doesn’t sound awful? Also, if a “straight” man has sex with or dates a non-binary-identifying AFAB individual, would he be considered bisexual? Oh, and you don’t need to tell me this is all moot. I am aware that middle-aged and married cis dudes don’t pull a lot of likes from beautiful, non-binary folks anyway.

Concerning Intimate Semantical Meanings And Nuances

Climbing out on a limb here to say… there’s nothing bisexual about a person who was assigned/observed male at birth and who currently identifies with his assigned/observed sex and is exclusively attracted to AFAB persons, CISMAN, not even when that guy is balls deep in the vagina of someone who uses they/them pronouns. If I had to slap a label on the sex you’re hoping to have with AFAB enbies… if someone held a gun to my head and forced me to print out a label… I would slap the “straight sex” label on it. And that’s fine, CISMAN, as consensual straight sex is nothing to be ashamed of and can be quite lovely. It’s also how God makes more queers, so—by all (consensual) means—have at.

Now, an AFAB person who identifies as non-binary is queer—because, like, you know, of course they are—but having sex with a queer person doesn’t automatically make you queer. Like a straight guy with a bisexual girlfriend, CISMAN, fucking or dating a non-binary AFAB individual doesn’t magically make you something other than straight. But since a non-binary AFAB is queer, a straight guy in a relationship with a non-binary AFAB is in a queer relationship, just like a straight guy with a bisexual girlfriend is in a queer relationship. But I would argue—and this is a hill my gay ass is prepared to die on—that cis straight guys who are only interested in AFAB persons, regardless of how they identify or present, so long as those AFAB persons have vaginas they can stick their dicks in, those guys—guys like you—are and always will be straight guys.

Moving the fuck on…

“Exclusively attracted to AFAB people, however they identify,” is not only a perfectly respectful way of asking the Internet for what you want, CISMAN, it’s a good way to avoid wasting the time of people who don’t have what you want. Despite what you may have heard from some loud people online, “genital preferences” are not bigotry. Sexual orientations are real, and primary sex characteristics are something our sexual orientations orient us toward. While some people are attracted to particular kinds of gender expression and genitals are irrelevant or interchangeable—and some any-junk-will-do types don’t realize this about themselves until giving it some thought (so everyone should give it some thought)—for most people, the combo platter of gender presentation and primary sex characteristics are hardwired dealmakers. People who argue with one breath that sex matters very much when it comes to their gender identity—and conflict between the two must (quite rightly) be resolved in gender’s favor—can’t turn around and argue with the next breath that sex shouldn’t matter at all when it comes to other people’s sexual orientations. That cunt won’t hunt.

Finally, CISMAN, don’t sell yourself short! You may not be overwhelmed by the response you get online (most men aren’t), but you’re gonna be someone’s jam. But to optimize your odds of success, don’t rely exclusively on dating and hookup apps. The increasing “enshitification” of dating apps, as the brilliant writer Cory Doctorow puts it, is inspiring people to go actual places and do actual things again in the hopes of meeting actual people who actually wanna fuck them. So, in addition to putting your profile up on apps, head out to bars and clubs where you feel comfortable, go to or throw parties and invite your friends to bring friends, join a few clubs, and volunteer for an organization whose mission you support. Because you never know: a hot AFAB person—binary or non—who would’ve swiped left on your photo might actually wanna fuck you after meeting your straight cis married ass in person.

Read the rest of this week's column here!