Dear Readers: Instead of digging through all the emails that hit my inbox this week, I grabbed the first five questions at the top of the pile and answered them in the order they came in. — Dan
I am a man. I met a beautiful Nepalese woman at work. The co-worker who introduced us basically told me this woman was unhappily married. We started spending time together, and we have now been seeing each other for almost three years. Everyone on my end knows about her (and knows she’s unhappily married) but the fact that we’re seeing each other is a mostly secret on her side, as only a few close friends of hers know. I have to pretend at work that we aren’t as close as we actually are, and it makes me feel like a shadow.
She has no kids and has told her husband she wants a divorce, which he won’t consent to. He doesn’t need to consent — she could divorce him anyway — but she’s leery to. The house is the only thing she owns with him, while everything else is in his name. Most of her friends, also Nepalese, have told her that white men can’t be trusted, which I can’t really disagree with, given our history as a nation. And they are telling her that having a baby with her husband will improve their relationship. I think that’s the worst possible reason to have a kid, especially when the dude in question is an emotionally abusive POS.
I love this woman. She makes my heart flutter every time I see her. She’s kind, compassionate, intelligent, and hot. But after three years, she still can’t leave him. Which I can only imagine is difficult, as she has a lot to lose, but I love her and want to be fully with her. But I don’t want to push her to do anything she’s not ready to do or that she doesn’t want to do. That would make me no better than all the other men she’s had in her life. But I’m starting to feel like this isn’t going to happen. She sleeps in bed with him every night. He tracks everything she does and where she goes. I’m not sure how much longer I can be patient. I’m sick of being a shadow boyfriend while she just keeps playing wife, and we have to pretend we’re just friends. Should I leave this relationship? I’m I an idiot to think she’ll ever leave him?Â
Leaving Isn’t My Best Option
I’m not sure what your whiteness or your girlfriend’s Nepalese-ness have to do with your question, LIMBO, which is one I get all the time. The genders are reversed — it’s usually a woman who’s getting strung along by a married man — but your predicament is a common one. And since you’re a regular reader of at least one advice column (that would be mine), you’ve most likely seen questions like yours in my column before, LIMBO, and you’re going to get the same answer everyone else gets: If she was gonna leave him for you — which she’s not gonna do — she would’ve left him already.
I’m guessing you weren’t able to independently verify that your girlfriend asked her husband for a divorce, LIMBO, which means you only have her word to go on. And as commenters on this and every other advice column are quick to point out, the word of a cheater isn’t worth much. And the reasons she’s given for not leaving her husband — the house is the only asset that her name is on, her husband refused to consent to the divorce — sound more like excuses than reasons. If she lives in a marital property state, she’s entitled to half of everything, including assets that are in his name, and she doesn’t actually need her husband’s consent to divorce him.
Now, it’s also possible that she’s afraid to leave him — she may have legitimate worries about violence or social consequences in her community — but even if her reasons for staying with her husband are understandable (if deeply sad), LIMBO, like all mistresses, whether you’re willing to settle for what she’s able to give you is a decision you get to make. If being her sidepiece insults your dignity, you need to break up with her. If you love her too much to ever leave her, you’ll have to make peace with being her sidepiece.
