What do you think of a man who lied to a woman to manipulate her into staying in a relationship knowing that if he told her the truth she would leave? My boyfriend agreed to exclusivity and monogamy. He immediately began to violate this agreement. He lied repeatedly to me about who these other people were, what he was doing with them, and constantly told me he was honoring our agreement to be monogamous. He gaslit me and made me feel ridiculous for worrying. I eventually found out he was constantly engaging women online in chats and asking them to have phone or video sex with him. He had video sex with someone the same week he began talking to me about getting married! He got a phone number from a woman he met at work and only stopped texting her because sneaking out to date her was a “step too far” for him morally. I told all of his family and friends that he had been lying to me and cheating on me throughout our relationship. I stand by my right to let people know this. What do you think about my refusal to be quiet about his behavior? I believe women too often protect men’s reputations at our own peril. That is why I refused to keep his secrets. The shame should be his, not mine!
Now he tells me his friends and family don’t want us to get back together because I “overreacted” to his shameful behavior. I feel that with all the cards out on the table there’s no room for lies and that we could rebuild. What’s your opinion?
Choosing Absolute Truth
What I think of your ex-boyfriend — you should get used to calling him your ex-boyfriend — is irrelevant. What matters here, CAT, is what you think of your ex-boyfriend: you think he’s a manipulative piece of shit who cheated on you throughout your relationship and lied to you and gaslit you and emotionally abused you.
And you — not a crazy person — want to get back together with him?
Let’s quickly review what he did: he flirted with other women online and asked them to have phonesex/cybersex with him, CAT, which was a shitty thing to do each and every time he did it. At least one woman agreed to listen and/or watch while he had a wank, which was an even shittier thing for him to do. And he got one woman’s phone number and was tempted to meet up with her but didn’t go through with it, which allowed him to tell himself he didn’t do the shittiest thing he could’ve done — he may have even told himself he honored the monogamous commitment he made to you because he never actually touched another woman with his dick — and he lied to you about all of this and made you feel like a crazy person.
Now let’s review what you did: When you found out that his definition of monogamy was a lot narrower than yours, you didn’t turn to your friends and family for moral support or drag him to couple’s counselor to hold him accountable. No, you dragged his friends and family into your conflict. Not because they needed to know, not because they could do anything about it, but to punish your boyfriend by making him look like an asshole in the eyes of his friends and family. And while you probably succeeded in making him look bad in the eyes of his friends and family, you also succeeded in making yourself look like a crazy person.
So, while I agree that women shouldn’t have to keep men’s secrets to protect their reputations, no one wants to live in a world where dragging in friends and is the go-to move for every angry boyfriend, girlfriend, enbyfriend, husband, wife, spouse, etc., on the planet.
Even if your ex-boyfriend’s friends and family think he was in the wrong — even if you succeeded in exposing him for the manipulative piece of shit they already knew him to be (they’ve known him longer than you have) — they don’t want him to get back together with you because they don’t want you blowing up their phones every time you have a fight.
And if you convince him to back together with you, CAT, you’re gonna have more fights — hell, you’re going to have this fight again because he’s not going stop flirting with other women. So, unless you’re looking forward to having this fight again — and maybe you are (some people think conflict is passion (crazy people)) — you’ll stop pursuing this lying, manipulative, deceitful piece of shit.
