Dear Readers: I haven’t felt so good since visiting a rustic pluck-your-own chicken place for dinner last week and — doctor’s orders — I’m not allowed to operate advice column machinery until I’m feeling better. Please enjoy this column from February 21st, 2017 and look for a brand-new column in this space next week. — Dan
I am a straight married man. My wife and I have a 4-year-old and a 3-month-old. We’ve just started having intercourse again. For Valentine’s Day, we spent the night in a B&B while grandma watched the kids. We had edibles, drank sparkling wine, and then fucked. It was amazing. After we came and while we were still stoned and drunk, my wife mentioned she was open to inviting others into our sex life. I asked about getting a professional sex worker. She said no. But maybe if we were in a bar (we’re never in bars) and met someone (a unicorn), she might be into it. Anal came up. She’s always said she’s up for trying anything once. I have a desire to experiment with anal. (Not just me entering her, but her pegging me as well.) I asked if she would use the vibrator we brought on me, just to experiment. She said she was too high to do anything. I felt let down. I feel she unknowingly teased me with fantasies I have, not knowing I actually have them. We have a good sex life, and I’m willing to write off the fantasies we discussed while high and drunk. It’s the teasing that drove me crazy.
Having And Realizing Desires
P.S. I’m in no hurry. We just had a baby, and I don’t want to pressure my wife right now. My fear is that she may only like the idea of exploring our sexuality together and not the reality of it.
Some people think about, talk about, and masturbate about certain fantasies without ever wanting to realize them. Let’s call them Team Fantasize. Some people think about, etc., certain fantasies and would very much like to realize them. Let’s call them Team Realize. There’s nothing wrong with either team. But when someone on Team Fantasize is married to someone on Team Realize, well, that can be a problem. Knowing your spouse is turned on by fantasies you share but rules out realizing them—or sets impossible conditions for realizing them—can be extremely frustrating. And sometimes a frustrated Team Realize spouse will say something like this to their Team Fantasize mate: “Talking about these fantasies together—this kind of dirty talk—it gets my hopes up about actually doing it. If it’s never going to happen, we have to stop talking about it, because it’s frustrating.”
The problem with that approach? Swingers clubs, BDSM parties, and the strap-on-dildo sections of your finer sex-positive sex-toy stores everywhere are filled with couples who used to be on opposite teams—one from Team Fantasize, the other from Team Realize—but they’re both on Team Realize now. And what got them on the same team? Continuing to discuss and share fantasies, even at the risk of frustrating the Team Realize spouse.
So, if you ever want to have that threesome or experiment with anal, HARD, you need to keep talking with your wife about these fantasies— and you need to tell her your fantasies too! Tell her you’re not pressuring her, of course, but let her know these are things you would actually like to do, and the more you talk about them, the more you want to do them. If she keeps talking with you about them, that’s a sign. Not a sign that she’s a cruel tease, HARD, but a sign that she’s inching closer toward pulling on a Team Realize jersey.
P.S. If your wife doesn’t know you have these fantasies—and is consequently teasing you “unknowingly”—that’s your fault, HARD, not hers.
I wanted to tell you about something that happened to my friend. (Really!) She was going to bang this dude from OkCupid but wasn’t getting a great feeling, so she went to bed and let him crash on the couch. She woke up the next day to find her underwear drawer empty on the floor and all of her underwear wrapped around this dude’s feet. She stealthily removed all the panties from his perv hooves and put her shit away. When the morning actualized itself, they parted amicably with no mention of the underwear slippers.
Men In Alaska
Ask yourself, MIA, which is the likelier scenario:
Scenario One: Perv Hooves stumbled around your friend’s dark apartment in the middle of the night, managed to find her underwear drawer, pulled it out and set it on the floor, made himself a pair of pantie-booties, had himself a wank, and fell back to sleep. All without waking your friend. Then your friend got up in the morning, saw her panties wrapped around his hooves, peeled them off one by one, and returned her panties to their drawer. All without waking Perv Hooves up.
Scenario 2: Your friend got a little pervy with this guy — a thing for feet and/or panties isn’t that pervy — wanted to tell you about this guy’s kink, but was too embarrassed to admit that she’d gone along and possibly got into it.
While Scenario One is entirely plausible — it could’ve unfolded that way — my money is on Scenario Two because I’ve heard so many variations of song over the years: “I met this pervert who did these perverted things in front of me while I was asleep, and I wasn’t in any way involved and I wasn’t harmed. Isn’t that pervert crazy ?” In most cases it only took a little drilling down — a little pointed questioning — for learn that person relaying the story played an active role in the evening’s perversions but edited the story to make themselves look like a passive bystander, not a willing participant.
Read the rest of this week's column here! And this week on the Lovecast : A man recently come out as bi, and has a boyfriend in an open relationship. He sees all the gay orgies that are available to him, but wants to get in on some straight sex party action. Where can he find them? How do they work? Hello?
On the Magnum, we welcome back fellow advice-slinger Meredith Goldstein of the “Love Letters” advice column and podcast. They talk about how to keep your cool when in the throws of new relationship energy, a mistreated unicorn, and whether choosing a girlfriend based on her anatomy makes you a superficial jerk or not. Listen here!
