Dear Readers: I havenāt felt so good since visiting a rustic pluck-your-own chicken place for dinner last week and ā doctorās orders ā Iām not allowed to operate advice column machinery until Iām feeling better. Please enjoy this column from February 21st, 2017 and look for a brand-new column in this space next week. ā Dan
I am a straight married man. My wife and I have a 4-year-old and a 3-month-old. Weāve just started having intercourse again. For Valentineās Day, we spent the night in a B&B while grandma watched the kids. We had edibles, drank sparkling wine, and then fucked. It was amazing. After we came and while we were still stoned and drunk, my wife mentioned she was open to inviting others into our sex life. I asked about getting a professional sex worker. She said no. But maybe if we were in a bar (weāre never in bars) and met someone (a unicorn), she might be into it. Anal came up. Sheās always said sheās up for trying anything once. I have a desire to experiment with anal. (Not just me entering her, but her pegging me as well.) I asked if she would use the vibrator we brought on me, just to experiment. She said she was too high to do anything. I felt let down. I feel she unknowingly teased me with fantasies I have, not knowing I actually have them. We have a good sex life, and Iām willing to write off the fantasies we discussed while high and drunk. Itās the teasing that drove me crazy.
Having And Realizing Desires
P.S. Iām in no hurry. We just had a baby, and I donāt want to pressure my wife right now. My fear is that she may only like the idea of exploring our sexuality together and not the reality of it.
Some people think about, talk about, and masturbate about certain fantasies without ever wanting to realize them. Letās call them Team Fantasize. Some people think about, etc., certain fantasies and would very much like to realize them. Letās call them Team Realize. Thereās nothing wrong with either team. But when someone on Team Fantasize is married to someone on Team Realize, well, that can be a problem. Knowing your spouse is turned on by fantasies you share but rules out realizing themāor sets impossible conditions for realizing themācan be extremely frustrating. And sometimes a frustrated Team Realize spouse will say something like this to their Team Fantasize mate: āTalking about these fantasies togetherāthis kind of dirty talkāit gets my hopes up about actually doing it. If itās never going to happen, we have to stop talking about it, because itās frustrating.ā
The problem with that approach? Swingers clubs, BDSM parties, and the strap-on-dildo sections of your finer sex-positive sex-toy stores everywhere are filled with couples who used to be on opposite teamsāone from Team Fantasize, the other from Team Realizeābut theyāre both on Team Realize now. And what got them on the same team? Continuing to discuss and share fantasies, even at the risk of frustrating the Team Realize spouse.
So, if you ever want to have that threesome or experiment with anal, HARD, you need to keep talking with your wife about these fantasiesā and you need to tell her your fantasies too! Tell her youāre not pressuring her, of course, but let her know these are things you would actually like to do, and the more you talk about them, the more you want to do them. If she keeps talking with you about them, thatās a sign. Not a sign that sheās a cruel tease, HARD, but a sign that sheās inching closer toward pulling on a Team Realize jersey.
P.S. If your wife doesnāt know you have these fantasiesāand is consequently teasing you āunknowinglyāāthatās your fault, HARD, not hers.
I wanted to tell you about something that happened to my friend. (Really!) She was going to bang this dude from OkCupid but wasnāt getting a great feeling, so she went to bed and let him crash on the couch. She woke up the next day to find her underwear drawer empty on the floor and all of her underwear wrapped around this dudeās feet. She stealthily removed all the panties from his perv hooves and put her shit away. When the morning actualized itself, they parted amicably with no mention of the underwear slippers.
Men In Alaska
Ask yourself, MIA, which is the likelier scenario:
Scenario One: Perv Hooves stumbled around your friendās dark apartment in the middle of the night, managed to find her underwear drawer, pulled it out and set it on the floor, made himself a pair of pantie-booties, had himself a wank, and fell back to sleep. All without waking your friend. Then your friend got up in the morning, saw her panties wrapped around his hooves, peeled them off one by one, and returned her panties to their drawer. All without waking Perv Hooves up.
Scenario 2: Your friend got a little pervy with this guy ā a thing for feet and/or panties isnāt that pervy ā wanted to tell you about this guyās kink, but was too embarrassed to admit that sheād gone along and possibly got into it.
While Scenario One is entirely plausible ā it couldāve unfolded that way ā my money is on Scenario Two because Iāve heard so many variations of song over the years: āI met this pervert who did these perverted things in front of me while I was asleep, and I wasnāt in any way involved and I wasnāt harmed. Isnāt that pervert crazy ?ā In most cases it only took a little drilling down ā a little pointed questioning ā for learn that person relaying the story played an active role in the eveningās perversions but edited the story to make themselves look like a passive bystander, not a willing participant.
Read the rest of this week's column here! And this week on the Lovecast : A man recently come out as bi, and has a boyfriend in an open relationship. He sees all the gay orgies that are available to him, but wants to get in on some straight sex party action. Where can he find them? How do they work? Hello?
On the Magnum, we welcome back fellow advice-slinger Meredith Goldstein of the āLove Lettersā advice column and podcast. They talk about how to keep your cool when in the throws of new relationship energy, a mistreated unicorn, and whether choosing a girlfriend based on her anatomy makes you a superficial jerk or not. Listen here!
