I have a problem that I’m not sure can be solved. I’m a single gay man who hasn’t touched anybody for sixteen years. Yes, you read that right: I haven’t touched another person for sixteen years. Sit with that for a couple of moments. Most people don’t believe me. I did something stupid in 1998 and had sex in a hot tub. I ended up having surgery because of an infection and ever since when I ejaculate, what comes out is a combination of sperm and urine because an internal flap no longer closes to stop the urine. The urologist and my surgeon said there was nothing they could do to fix the problem. I did not realize that sex in a hot tub was an extremely risky sexual activity. (You should warn people.) Men find this absolutely disgusting. I can’t repeat some of the things I have been told when I’m trying to be honest with a partner. What advice or suggestions do you have to explain this to potential partners even though I’ve said I want to please them only. Please give me some help as to what to say. Any advice helps.

Canadian Urgently Misses Sex

 Having sex in a hot tub — having penetrative sex in a hot tub — is riskier than having sex on dry land or damp mattress or hard countertop. Heavily chlorinated water dries out sensitive tissues, making abrasions and STI transmission more likely, and water containing potentially harmful bacteria can be forced into the urethra during intercourse, heightening the risk of urinary tract infections in both men and women. (Best practices: get horny in a hot tub, get out to fuck, get back in when you’re done.)

With that warning out of the way, CUMS, can I ask when you last spoke to a doctor about your condition?

The “little flap” that contracts during ejaculation — preventing semen from shooting into the bladder and/or urine from exiting the body with semen — is called the internal urethral sphincter. While artificial urinary sphincters have been available for more than fifty years, the doctors you saw back in 1998 might not have been aware of them. (According to the Mayo Clinic, many doctors today aren’t aware of them.) It’s also possible you weren’t a good candidate for the artificial urinary sphincters available in 1998, CUMS, but these devices have gotten smaller (and the surgery has gotten less invasive) over the last three decades, and you might be a good candidate for a new model. You should make an appointment to see a specialist and talk about your condition.

While you wait for that appointment, CUMS, you also might wanna seek out different kinds of gay and bi men, online and off. There are lots of queer men out there into “no recip” oral. If you were to meet up with a guy who just wanted to get serviced — if you hooked up with a guy who wanted to get head without having to reciprocate — you wouldn’t have to mention your condition in advance of your first meeting; since you won’t be coming on, in, or near him, he doesn’t need to know that your ejaculate comes mixed with piss.

There are also plenty of guys out there who are into piss, and if I were to biohazard a guess, CUMS, I’d say a statistically significant percentage of those guys would view your condition not as a tragic defect, but as an exciting superpower. Leading with this fact about yourself on kink or kink-friendly hookup sites might attract so much positive attention, CUMS, that you don’t wanna get an artificial urinary sphincter after all.

 I am a pansexual non-binary FTM. I am able to have two types of orgasms. One is a squirty juicy wet orgasm and the other is a full body orgasm that makes my clit throb. Squirty orgasms come easy and often but I’ve only experienced the clit throbbers during solo play — with two exceptions: only my ex-wife could give me this kind of climax until I met a guy on Grindr. I update my Grindr profile depending on what I’m looking for on any particular night, and on the night I met this Grindr guy I was only looking to be eaten out. I arrived at his place and he got down to business immediately. He was patient, he was deliberate, he was rough, and it was… WOW! I had a rare, full-body, clit-throbbing orgasm! It was amazing. Then, as I was leaving, I saw the Trump flag hanging in his room. It was hanging on the wall directly behind me and I did not see it — I could not see it — while I was being eaten out. It was a Trump 2016 flag — not that it matters. (A Trump flag is a Trump flag.) So, what do I do? I suppose I can do nothing and just never meet up with the guy again, but what do I do about my conscience?

Feeling Low About Grindr Situation

P.S. We exchanged phone numbers before I saw the flag.

You may have accidentally discovered a new way for people into ruined orgasms to get their kink on, FLAGS: strategically positioned Trump flags. I don’t think it matters whether they’re Trump 2016, 2020, 2024 or 2028 flags, the effect will be the same: a post-nut yuck powerful enough to ruin whatever yum came first.

For the sake of your conscience, FLAGS, send a text to the Trump supporter that says something like this: “None of that would have happened — I would never have let you go down on me — if I’d seen that Trump flag on your wall before we got started.” Then take a screenshot of his Grindr profile, if you can still see it, and share it — privately — with other trans men you know personally, FLAGS, so they don’t wind up having the same jump scare you did. Then block his phone number and block him on Grindr.

P.S. Next time you show up in a strange man’s apartment for no-recip oral, FLAGS, do a quick 360-degree turn — a little pirouette — before he drops to his knees.

P.P.S. There’s no need to steal Trump flags to ruin orgasms. There are plenty in the trash already, deposited there by Americans — not our best — who already regret voting for Trump.

Read the rest of this week's column here! And this week on the Lovecast: 

A man chanced upon his wife’s journals when he was cleaning the closets and couldn’t help himself: he read some of them, and learned things about wife’s sexual desires he hadn’t known before. It made him fall in love with her all over again. But now what? Does he tell her what he did? Or does he keep his mouth shut?

On the Magnum, Dan welcomes back writer, actor, and comedian Jeffery Self. What do two introverted, homosexual men have to talk about? Plenty, it turns out! Self’s new memoir is deeply personal and fearless. Jeffrey and Dan chat about the pros and cons of male sex work, why straight men are often jealous of gay men, and the terror the words “gay cruise” inspire in them both. Also, they take a call from a woman whose boyfriend is unaware of how stinky his balls are. So you don’t want to miss that. LISTEN HERE!