Would you please advise me? I love my partner but our sex life is dying.

I'm a het female in my 20s; he’s a man in his late 40s. We’ve been together two years, and engaged for a year. The first few months we were together, we fucked daily, and it was amazing. For the last 1.5 years however, we hardly ever have sex.

He is 170 pounds overweight. He has gained 60 pounds since we've been together. I feel very uneasy about this because I know it is bad for his health. I gently encourage him to exercise with me, and make healthy meals for us. He has talked about losing weight but keeps putting off doing what he needs to do. I think this is part of why I am not attracted to him so much anymore. Also, we have lived together for two years and I do 100% of the cleaning. I’m cool with our arrangement but sometimes it is truly disgusting cleaning up after him. Maybe this is another reason I feel more like a companion than a lover to him.

For the record, I am healthy and attractive, but I have my neuroses and I feel blessed to have found someone who puts up with me. I would be honored if I could spend my life with this man: he is so kind, generous, funny, wonderful, amazing, etc., and we have grown a lot together.

But I can't get turned on by him anymore. I enjoy masturbating and can get really turned on when I am alone, but around him I am constantly turned off. I love how he smells but I don’t like how he touches me or kisses me. It must be awful for him to feel unwanted, but he hasn't complained.

I wish I could fuck other people. I have a hunch that if he would sign off on me fucking other people, it might help our sex life. I have brought up the topic of opening up our relationship but he is not ready for it. I wish I could have the best of both worlds: the security of being with one awesome person forever, and the freedom to enjoy other partners. But I wouldn't enjoy being with other people if he were not okay with it.

So I guess my questions are:

1. How can I help this relationship thrive?

2. Is it up to me to be more sexual with him even though I am not attracted to him? Can I make myself enjoy his touch more?

3. Can non-monogamy help our relationship? Will he ever be ready to try it?

4. Am I just a selfish person who should not be anyone’s fiancé because it is cruel to them?

Wandering Eye

My response after the jump...

Full disclosure: one of my coworkers has been passing around a bottle of Makers Mark. I'm advising under the influence here. Proceed with caution, okay? And remember: they call it advice, not binding arbitration, for all sorts of reasons...

1. There's no line of Miracle-Gro products for relationships. They thrive, WE, or they don't. So long as you're not taking your partner for granted—and so long as you're not taking your partner's taking of you for granted—you're doing what you can.

2. It's hard to be sexual with someone you're not attracted to. It's also hard to tell how much of an impact his weight gain has had on your feelings for him, WE. He was significantly overweight when you met him—so, hey, what's another sixty pounds? Fact is, you haven't been with your fiance for very long. It's entirely possible that you've discovered, in the two short years you've been together, that he isn't someone who can hold your sexual interest over the long haul, weight gain or no weight gain. Seeing as he barely held your interest for six months, WE, I'm surprised that you accepted his proposal at all. And if this man isn't someone you can see yourself fucking FOR THE NEXT FIFTY YEARS then, for fuck's sake, don't marry him.

3. I'm opposed to non-monogamous relationships where someone is out there fucking other people because she's not into her spouse, and her spouse is at home feeling horrible about himself and crying into a box donuts to blunt the pain. Non-monogamy, not to sound to polyanna about it (and, yes, that misspelling is intentional, people (they all are!)), should come from a place of abundance, WE, not a place of desperation. It should add something to your primary relationship, and strengthen the sexual bond you share with your primary partner, not paper over cracks.

4. There's nothing selfish or cruel about realizing that you accepted an engagement in error, WE, and breaking off that engagement in a timely fashion.