I'm an evangelical Christian in a country where that is not a political statement and I have a sex question that Google can't answer.

My husband and I have been married five years. We have great sex several times a week despite having two kids under age two. We get along so well that even a couple of my atheist friends have admitted they want what we have. What most of them don't know is that not only did we wait until after the wedding to have sex, we had our first kiss at the end of the ceremony.

I've recently been made aware that secular folk would consider it reckless to tie the knot before making sure we're "sexually compatible," whatever that means. You seem like a pretty secular guy so let me ask you: What exactly were we supposed to watch out for?

Consider our specific situation: two adult virgins, ready to promise to our God, friends, family, and government that we will stick together until one of us dies. Is there anything we could have learned about each other through sex that would have changed our minds? Is anyone's first sexual experience really so bad that they would dump the partner they were previously willing to pledge their life to? If so, would it be obvious after the first time or would it be necessary to have sex several times?

I'm not stupid (I'm a physician) but I can't figure this one out. Please tell me what disaster we might have brought upon ourselves for not going for a test ride first.

Happily Married Woman


Not stupid? Then don't play dumb, HMW.

You know damn well what "sexually compatibile" means, HMW, as you're lucky enough to be married to a man with whom you're sexually compatible. You want the same things he wants (more or less), you satisfy each other equally (and I'm taking your word for that), and you're both completely content and deliriously happy (again, HMW, I'm taking your word for it). That's what people mean by sexually compatibile.

That you wound up married to a man with whom you're sexually compatible despite not having slept with him prior to marriage can be credited to one of two things: your smarts (you figured or intuited that you would be sexually compatible and those conscious or subconscious calculations were correct) or your luck (you hoped that you would be sexually compatibile and, as luck would have it, you were). But your good fortune—your sexual compatibility—wasn't guaranteed by waiting or by God. Again: either your judgment was correct or your luck was good. And as things could've gone very, very differently, HMW, I think you might wanna be a bit less smug about how this all turned out.

Because I can think of a million things you "could have learned about each other through sex" on your wedding night that might have lead you to change your mind. Let's take one: suppose your new husband announced when you got to your honeymoon suite that he wouldn't be able to climax unless you took a massive shit on his chest before vaginal intercourse commenced. Would that have changed your mind about the advisability of marrying him without fucking once or twice him first?