I am a 25-year-old gay man and I consider myself to be very gay-positive and self-accepting. Although I have always accepted my homosexuality and never really felt bad about it, recently I have been going through a hard time psychologically because I'm exposing myself to very graphic homophobic online content. There are blogs, discussion forums, online groups, websites that cater to gay men who like to be abused and degraded by "straight" men. These groups and websites have pictures and content that is extremely dehumanizing and degrading. Some people write extensively about how gay people are inferior and should be treated like animals or worse, and how all gay rights should be rolled back.

I am very disturbed because I am actually aroused by the pictures and content that shows supposedly straight-men degrading gay men. I have spent hours reading these homophobic posts and staring at graphic homophobic pictures and I always come away feeling disturbed, insecure, and unhappy. But when I'm horny I go right back to these websites. The worst feeling comes from knowing that a lot of those people don't seem to recognize it as just a fantasy but instead whole-heartedly believe in the homophobic views they express.

This is a new thing for me. I was never disturbed by BDSM-type fantasies or BDSM porn as it never seemed to be related to homophobia at all. But this type of dom/sub thing is very disturbing as people don't seem to be "just playing" and it is playing with a real-world violent and powerful hate-ideology that is so prevalent in our country. Is it OK for me to just view this as another harmless fantasy or is this something I need to control or get help dealing with? Secondly, are people who contribute, participate and produce such gay-bashing type of sexualized content just indulging in a version of acceptable BDSM/kink or is it dangerous to use a prevalent hate ideology in sex play?

Not An Inferior Faggot

P.S. Examples of these websites are here, here, and here.

My response after the jump...


You're not inferior, NAIF, and you're not alone.

In fact, you have lots of horny soul mates out there—think of strong feminists with rape fantasies; think of proud Jewish guys with Nazi fetishes; think of empowered African-Americans who get off on Master/slave role-play scenes. And think of all the gay men out there turned on by vaguely-threatening, hetero-associated male archetypes. Consider the cliche gay male sex symbols: truckers, skinheads, Marines, cops, fireman, gangbangers—not exactly people or professions historically associated with tolerance!

A person can safely explore degrading fantasies—even fantasies rooted in "hate ideologies"—so long as he/she is capable of compartmentalizing this stuff. Basically you have to build a firewall between your fantasies and your self-esteem. (And between your fantasies and your politics!) Once you do that, NAIF, you'll be able to enjoy your "straight men abusing fags" fantasies without feeling so devastated immediately after you come. (And until you do that, NAIF, avoid these sites as much as possible.) In fact, successfully building that firewall can leave you feeling stronger and more empowered for having these fantasies. Call it the bottom's paradox: a D/s sub who takes ownership of his or her desires is in control, not being controlled, regardless of how things might appear to a casual or misinformed observer.

But it doesn't sound like you've been able to build that firewall yet, NAIF, due to feelings of shame rooted in a perceived disconnect between the person you know yourself to be—a proud gay man—and the degradation scenarios that make your dick hard. But there is no disconnect, NAIF. You don't really hate yourself anymore than the feminist with rape fantasies really wants to be raped. It might help if you reminded yourself of that before, during, and after you rub one out—it also might help if a sex-positive counselor reminded you of that during some regular sessions over a period of months.

You know what else might help? Finding a nice, out, proud gay man who gets off on this shit too, NAIF, a guy who wants to explore these fantasies with you in realtime safely, respectfully, and consensually. Cuddling immediately after hot, crazy, kinky D/s sex with the "straight" guy who five minutes ago was "degrading" you for being a "worthless faggot"—and then getting dressed and going out for some fro-yo and chatting about Glee or whatever the hell young gay men are doing these days after sex—would go a long way toward helping you see your fantasies as something positive, NAIF, e.g. as something that was bringing intimacy, companionship, and connection into your life, not regret and doubt and self-recrimination.

But don't start exploring your fantasies with a boyfriend until that firewall is well under construction, NAIF.