Of course, nothing this interesting ever happens when I'm shopping at this New Seasons. But earlier today, cops report, a bunch of shoppers at the store up on North Interstate got an eyeful when a naked lady was spotted tied up—with her mouth duct-taped shut—in the back of a Subaru pulling out of the store's parking lot.

WTF, you might ask? No worries. It was just a couple of goo-goo-eyed lovebirds playing a harmless lover's game. You know. Valentine's Day and shit. And maybe Jackass.

But that didn't stop the law from sending out the cavalry just in case.

Today, Tuesday February 14, 2012, at 12:35 p.m., Portland Police officers from North Precinct responded to the New Seasons Market on North Interstate Avenue after the report of a vehicle seen leaving the parking lot with a naked female tied up in the back with duct tape over her mouth.

Officers flooded the area to look for the car, described as a blue Subaru Legacy. Washington law enforcement was also alerted to the vehicle description in case the car got onto I-5 North.

A witness told officers that the driver of the car was a white male in his 20s, with a goatee and sunglasses and that the female "seemed hazy." The witness told police that the male stated they "were just having some fun."

The witness provided the license plate to police and officers checked the registered owner's address, which is in the 4300 block of Northeast 11th Avenue. Not finding the vehicle there but learning that the registered owner does live there and does drive a blue Subaru Legacy, officers continued to check the area, concerned for the welfare of the bound and naked female.

At 12:56 p.m., the vehicle was spotted by an officer returning to the registered owner's address. An officer made contact with a male walking away from the car and noticed a bound and naked female in the back of the car.

The male, 31-year-old Nikolas Alexander Harbar, told officers that he and his girlfriend, 26-year-old Stephanie Morgan Pelzner, were doing some Valentine's Day role playing. Officers confirmed the information with Pelzner and that she was voluntarily bound and nude in the back of the Subaru.

At least nine Portland Police cars were tied up for approximately 20 minutes searching for the vehicle related to this call.

Was there a happy ending? Not quite. Because letting everyone go with a warning would have been the equivalent of legal blue balls, Harbar and Pelzer were booked into county jail on a pair of disorderly conduct charges.

Bullshit? TO THE POLLS!