Hi everyone, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report! I got some great gossips this week. I made them extra sloppy for you. I know how you kids like them sloppy. (This is a Billy Madison reference, for anyone who is not between the ages of 35 - 45.) I’m Elinor Jones, just your average cringe geriatric millennial trying to connect. Let’s go!

Alex Jones Should Shut His Mouth Forever

A man who can really only be described as a large and painful pimple growing beneath the skin that isn’t quite ready to pop, Alex Jones, has been in court for spreading horrible lies about the families of the Sandy Hook victims and a jury just found him liable for close to $50 million in damages. He was probably all, “how am I supposed to pay these people millions of dollars for peddling lies when I make my money from peddling lies when now you’re telling me that I can’t peddle lies?” I enjoy when bad people get busted for being bad, but the icing on the schadenfreude was Jones's shitty lawyer accidentally sending the other lawyer the entire contents of his phone:

Zombie Pigs? No, Thank You.

Scientists at Yale University just let the world know that they've figured out how to reanimate dead pigs, in news that is supposed to make us feel...what, exactly? Happy? Proud? Less worried about monkeypox, because now we've got freaking pig zombies?? I read this news while squinting through my hands like I do when I watch horror movies, although this disturbing factoid stood out to me: "During experimentation, the dead pigs’ heads and necks moved under their own power.... The researchers do view the neck jerk is an indication some muscle function was restored after death." Where have I seen a zombie neck jerk before?

While the scientists claimed that this technology could be used to repair cells damaged by a stroke, clearly they have revealed their secret plan to recreate the "Thriller" video using pigs. Cute, but I'll pass! 

Back Off, Scarf Boy

Hollywood bummed out many of us with the news that Jake Gyllenhaal will star in a rebooted version of cherished Patrick Swayze vehicle Roadhouse. This is such a bad casting choice! Everybody knows that there are two (2) types of sensitive boys: the sensitive boy who is so painfully earnest that you don't want to like him, but he's so nice that you can't help but love him (Swayze), and the sensitive boy who does that thing where he's sheepish and he looks down and grins a little bit, and then looks up at you with his big ol' twinkling eyes and he will cheat on you (Gyllenhaal.) These are very distinct personalities of sensitive boy and they are not interchangeable! (Disclosure: I am going to watch this movie at least twice.)

Local News: Beloved Cats and Theaters

OPB reported that several communities on the Oregon coast have begun rounding up and shipping out their colonies of feral cats that have long made their homes along the beaches, snarfing up bits and pieces of fish discarded by fisherman or french fries discarded by tourists. (In other words: fish and chips. Cats: they're just like us!) I want nothing but the best for every cat, and if that's living indoors with a family then good for them, but this quote from a 93-year-old widower named Joe Hodge who used to enjoy parking at the beach and watching the cats just knocked me to the floor, and I can’t be sobbing hysterically alone:

There has to be a way for both cats and Joe Hodge to have all that they need, and I will be monitoring this story closely for updates. 

In other local news that got me feeling all kinds of ways, beloved Portland theater The Roseway just experienced a major fire:

As news of the fire broke, Portland Twitter was in a deep agony, similar only in history to when the Notre-Dame caught fire a few years ago—and this isn't a dig at all; it's appropriate. The Roseway has been an important part of the Portland movie scene for almost 100 years and it's a neighborhood gem. I saw The Lego Movie there, and a man was there by himself to watch the movie and he brought a blanket and a pillow with him, and I think about him—and this theater—almost every day, and have a little smile. I hope that The Roseway is able to recover and continue providing places for people to get way too comfortable in public for another 100 years.

Okay, wow, this was a little bit sad! Sorry about that. I hope you all enjoy your week safely and with all the access to cats that you need. I'll see you here next week, same time, same place, where you'll be like these dogs and I'll be the lady throwing hot dogs, but the hot dogs will be gossip.

Love always,