Ding dong, ya ding dongs! It's me, Elinor Jones, here with a compilation of a bunch of crap I found on the internet and presented as this, The Trash Report. Hey, help me workshop a name for all of you who like to read this column. I was gonna be like, "hey trashfaces!" but that seems mean? Garbage gals? Dumptrucks? There aren't a lot of charming ways to incorporate garbage into a cutesy name; LMK if you've got any other suggestions. 

Now it's time for a breakdown:

How Do You Like Them Truths?

Disgraced former President Donald Trump just can't stop gettin' into trouble, and we love to see it. The latest WTF came via his Twitter rip-off, Truth Social, where he wrote in response to the now-infamous picture of the highly classified documents maintained unlawfully at Mar A Lago: "They took them out of cartons and spread them around on the carpet, making it look like a big ‘find’ for them." Ah yes, the classic "I kept the sensitive materials in cartons" defense! Think it'll hold up in court? Trick question! Attorney General Merrick Garland is definitely not going to press charges. We'll simply have to watch Trump go down the way he has repeatedly over the last several decades: by his business ventures failing. Next on that (long) list will probably be the self-incrimination dispenser itself, Truth Social, which the Google store is refusing to make available because of its horrible moderation of the violent mobs that use it. So Trump probably won't go to actual jail but there's a real chance the man will lose his ability to contact the outside world. Is that enough truth for ya, Donny?

On Gorbachev and the Passage of Time

Speaking of Russia (zing!) the world was shocked last week to learn of the death of the last leader of the USSR, Mikhail Gorbachev. Because nobody had any idea that the man was still alive. He was only 92 when he died. In all the pictures of Gorbachev from the 80s when he was winding down the Cold War, he looked ancient, but it turns out he was only in his fifties!? For comparison, Sandra Bullock, Brad Pitt, and Keanu Reeves are all currently 58 years old. If any of them changed the global balance of power today we'd consider them child prodigies, so I will posthumously recognize Gorbachev as one precocious SOB. RIP.

Another reference point as to where we stand in history: Leonardo DiCaprio's most recent ex-girlfriend, Camila Morrone, 25, was born 6 years after the fall of the USSR. If Leo continues his pattern of beginning relationships with woman who are only 20, his next girlfriend will be younger than the terrorist attacks of 9/11. So. That's weird.

Almost immediately after the breakup with Morrone, I saw some gossip that Leo had started hooking up with Gigi Hadid. A source was quoted as saying "she's exactly his type." Yeah, right. Gigi Hadid is 27, which is already two years expired in Leo's world; this story was clearly planted by Leo's PR team to make him seem two years less predatory.

If I Know This, You Have To, Too

Okay, one other thing briefly in non-local news: actress Samaire Armstrong, best known as the girl who played Anna on The O.C. is running for mayor in Sedona, Arizona, and she's a pro-Trump and anti-vax and I just want more people to know about this:

I had to fact-check this and Wikipedia informed me that she said "BLM is a billion dollar domestic terrorist organization." Now let us all channel our inner Summer Roberts when she found out that Anna was from Pittsburgh: EWW.

There Goes the Neighborhood,  Part 1

National fast food chain known for its average chicken sandwiches and bad political positions Chick-Fil-A might be making a move into the Montavilla neighborhood. According to Montavilla News, developers are looking to rehab an existing building that's currently a strip club on SE Stark (Venue Gentlemen’s Club), which besides sub-par chicken would provide some ethical dilemmas to passers-by. Are you hungry for a chicken sandwich? Are you hungry enough for a chicken sandwich to forget the chain's history of anti-gay posturing as well as recent accusations of racism against its founder's production studio? HMMMM? Would making a purchase at this new Chick-Fil-A send a message to your LGBTQIA+ friends or family or self that you like chicken sandwiches more than you love them? Who's gonna be the one to try it and find out? (Not me!)

There Goes the Neighborhood, Part 2

Not far from that potential mess is another different kind of potential mess: a Twitter user recently shared that burn spots most likely from arson have been spotted around Mt. Tabor Park:

Setting fire to a literal volcano is a little on the nose for this moment in our societal collapse, and one that I'm not ready for. It's freaking September. Summer is over. Look, I'd been selfishly hoping for rain, because I'm ready to bust out some cable-knit sweaters and watch When Harry Met Sally 50 times, but also because I selfishly don't want my cause of death to be VOLCANO ON FIRE.

On that note, I'm off to dig a fire line around my property! Just kidding. I'm going to rewatch The O.C. and feel real smug in finding Anna annoying, because now we know she has bad politics and not just because of her lame relationship with our crush prince, Seth Cohen. We can't always choose our battles; sometimes the battles choose us. 

Stay safe out there!