Rise up, trash pandas, it's time to get grimy! It's me, Elinor Jones, with some thoughtfully curated garbage to get you through your Monday, or whatever day/galactic juncture it is when you're reading this. To get in the right headspace, please watch this video, and pretend you're the kid, and I'm the dad:

Try Guys? More like Bye Bye, Guys.

Some guy I'd never heard of (Ned Fulmer, a name so silly I literally thought it was some cartoon character nerd the first time I saw it) from an internet show I'd never heard of (Try Guys? What??) got caught cheating on his wife and then was fired and people freaked out. Fine. Whatever. I will not judge anyone on the people they elect to care about. However, some of the chatter reached a fever pitch that was just not appropriate for Fulmer's level of fame! If a chronically online wastoid like me has never heard of him, let's maybe pump the brakes a little bit, okay? I know we had it really good with the one-two punch of the Don't Worry Darling press tour fiasco and then the Queen dying, and for several consecutive days the Internet was very Fun and Good, but that was not a sustainable high. Not everything is iconic. Chill. Ned Fulmer could try (ha ha) strutting around in silk pajamas with an aperol spritz and I'd still be unimpressed. "Then why are you even writing about it, Elinor?" you ask. "Because it's TRASH!" I reply. It goes here. 

The Sly Guy

I feel like I'm a thousand years old that I am much more interested in the complicated marriage of a 76-year-old man than that of a young internet star, but this is my truth, SO: Sylvester Stallone's wife of 25 years, Jennifer Flavin, last month filed for divorce from the actor due to "moving marital assets," which is rich person speak for being skeezy about something although rumor has it they were fighting about dogs. The couple has been spotted together since the filing, prompting TMZ to question if the divorce is going through. If I were Jennifer, I would NEVER take him back! Moving marital assets is a forgivable offense, but also, Sly had a large tattoo of Jennifer's face covered with a tattoo of the face of his dog. Brutal! There's no coming back from that! Imagine trying to nestle up in the 'roided out biceps of your adoring, repentant husband only to see the face of the cause of their relationship strife staring back at you. That'd be like if an ex of mine tried to reconcile but with a tattoo of a diamond with a big ol' X over it to signifying their refusal to let me sparkle. No, thank you.

Sigh. Why, Guys?

Lizzo played James Madison's crystal flute and a bunch of racists pretended to care about both James Madison and flutes. Classic musical instruments now join mermaids and hobbits as the kind of kitchen table issues that will drive red-blooded Americans to the polls in next month's midterm elections. 

Versailles Awry Guy

Hurricane Ian tore through the Florida last week, flooding many areas that could not get flood insurance because the likelihood of massive flooding was so high. I'm sad for all the people who lost a home or loved one in the devastation. I'm sad that hurricanes are only gonna get bigger and nastier as the climate keeps changing. I'm not sad, however, for bad things happening  to the garishly wealthy. Remember that documentary from several years ago called The Queen of Versailles about the couple building a kajillion square foot mansion in Florida that was set to become the biggest and most expensive home in America? Well, that mansion got fuuuucked up in the storm. The lakefront home flooded (shocking!) and the homeowner estimates $10 million in damages. Why so much? Well, because of essentials, of course, like replacing their gold-plated ceiling that straight up fell off onto the floor. I wonder if any of the people whose busted yachts coasted onto land like at the end of Speed 2: Cruise Control are questioning their hubris in trying to live extravagantly on what is essentially a large swamp? Disgusting Florida Governor Ron DeSantis had a shocking (not) change in attitude about federal assistance for storm-ravaged states: even though he voted against aid to states after Hurricane Sandy, he bellied up to the FEMA bar damn fast after Ian, because the only thing you can count on a Republican for is blatant and unapologetic hypocrisy. 

I'm a Cry Guy

I was so tickled to see that a new Portland-based television show is about to hit the air and I was ESPECIALLY tickled to see that it stars national treasure Marcia Gay Harden! And then I was thoroughly un-tickled to learn that while the show takes place in Portland, it's filmed in Vancouver, BC, crushing my dreams of running into Harden at New Seasons or, I don't know, a McMenamin's or something, eventually becoming best friends. Also, I know lots of things are filmed in Vancouver because stuff is cheaper in Canada but—no offense to Portland, which I love dearly—but Vancouver is way nicer than Portland. Hopefully with whatever money they saved by filming in Canada they can digitally add in really bad free boxes and bags of dog shit abandoned by people who are thoughtful enough to pick up their dog's shit, but not able to follow through on getting the bagged dog shit into a trash receptacle. Or is this just a thing in my neighborhood right now? People not throwing out the dog shit bags? Drives me nuts. Anyway, the show is called So Help Me, Todd (a perfect title, no notes), which is about a private investigator and his mom (Harden) who solve mysteries, and if they need any story ideas I really recommend figuring out who is leaving these dog shit bags everywhere!

Speaking of dogs, the dog I adopted from a shelter a few weeks ago was secretly pregnant so this is what's  happening next to me as I'm writing:

I hope all of your weeks are equally precious, if that's even possible. Byeee!